Tired, and frustrated at 4:18am

There are so many times that I want to sit down and write what i'm feeling and what is going through my mind, but I alway end up not writing because I hate the thoughts and the feelings that come with writing. A lot of the times, it is just easier to push it all to the back of my head and the back of my heart. I mean hell, I have done it for 7 years, why not keep doing it. I still struggle everyday with thoughts of not being good enough, not deserving everything that I have, and just not deserving my life. I guess I'm learning to kinda deal with it and work through all the depression and anxiety,( with the help of two psychiatrists). But sometimes it just gets to the point where I just don't want to fight it anymore! I mean fuck! It is so frustrating! I know my Wife and kids deserve so much more, they deserve someone who is all there... and i just feel like half the time i'm not even here, i don't give them all of me which they deserve. I just can't give it to them.

I know that I have so much to live for... but that doesn't stop the thoughts of just ending everything because I'm so sick of taking all these pills everyday for depression, and anxiety! I'm sick of fighting the depression and the numbness. I'm not saying I am going to kill myself, but I'm saying I know why Soliders do end up doing it! I know the empty feeling. I know the feeling of being worthless. Its tiring having to put up a front everyday and act like everything is fine, but I have to because its the right thing to do.

Handling deployments... after the Army

I've been out of the Army for like 6 years now. Since then I have friends who have deployed 3 or 4 more times, and I can't help but feel like I should be going with them. It never fails... when I hear of my Brothers leaving again to go back to war... it hits me so hard.

The other night, we had a get together with a bunch of friends... and as usual... I end up in a deep conversation with the two guys I was deployed with. It seems like it always happens and we alway end up talking about war, and our deployment specifically. I can honestly say that I have a bond with these guys that will last a lifetime, because of the shit we have seen and the shit we have been through together. We even discussed the fact that the guys we were with during the first deployment in 2003 have a bond stronger than any other deployment because the deployments now are so different. Im not going to get into all of that.

Once again here I am... one of my closest friends is leaving on Sunday... not only is he deploying to Afghanistan... but he is deploying about a month before his daughter is due. I mean wtf. If it isn't fucked up enough that he has to leave his son and wife again... he is going to iss the birth of his daughter. I remember the day my daughter was born... it was one of the greatest... most happiest days of my life and he is going to miss it. And its not just hard on him... I cant even imagine what his wife is going through. I mean being prego is stressful enough, but being prego and having your husband shipped off to war... its a good thing she is such a strong woman and has such a close supportive family.

I just had some thoughts running through my mind and I had to write them... thanks for listening.

My reasons for living...

Although I have so much trouble dealing with all my issues I know that I do have reasons to be thankful. When I deployed, I was single, and didn't really have a care in the world. I was actually looking forward to finally going to war after all the waiting and anticipation. I cant help but think about all the deployed military that have families they have to leave. I just dont know how they do it! I mean the bond... the closeness I have with my Wife and Daughter... I just I dont how I could ever leave them. I know I have talked about ending my own life a lot, and I have THOUGHT about it. I dont think I could ever actually do it, and the two reasons are my Wife and my Daughter. When I do get into the dark places... and the depression takes over... I know that these two girls will always be here to pull me out. To not be able to see them for a year... I just dont know if I could do it. I mean the PTSD must come out 10 times as worse if you deploy and you have a family.

The bond I have with my daughter is so special. She is definitely Daddy's little girl. Yes, she does have me wrapped around her finger. When I am feeling depressed and worthless, one smile from her or one " I Love you Daddy!" Makes me realize that I do have a reason to live and work through this PTSD shit, and all the depression and all the anxiety.

When I am out and about... at the store or at the mall... I STILL feel like I don't feel like I belong at all. I don't know if it is the fact that I don't think I am good enough, or if I just still feel like I didn't deserve to come back... but I do know that I have reasons to keep fighting and keep getting help...

Suicide

Suicide among soldier suffering from PTSD is a real thing... it happens way too often. I know that it is real because I have been in a spot where I have considered it... and I have come close. I have been to the rock bottom and it is a lonely feeling. Sometimes dealing with the depression and the anxiety is just too much. It is so exhausting to try to deal with it and hold it all in so you dont bother you loved ones with all your problems. I held them in for 5 years. I put on a front like everything was ok when inside... it was killing me... I was hurting so much. It isnt easy talking to just anyone about what we did and what we saw out there. Just wanted to write a quick blog while this was on my mind.

Lost and Undeserving

To say I don't belong is an understatement. I just feel like a stranger in my life. I dont feel comfortable around my loved ones. It has nothing to do with them but has everything to do with me. A lot of the time I just feel so alone. I feel like all the things I have... a beautiful wife... a beautiful daughter... a loving family... I don't deserve any of this. And I know that feeling sorry for myself isn't going to solve anything and it isn't even that I really feel sorry for myself its that I really feel like after some of the things that I have seen, and done... I feel like I don't deserve everything that I have. I have the hardest time sleeping because I always have so much on my mind, I can't calm my mind down.

My anxiety is a whole other thing. I am so paranoid when I am out of the house it isn't even funny. I always feel like there is someone out there to try and get me or my family so I have to study everyone around me and I am suspicious of EVERYBODY. So how do I solve this problem? I just stay in as much as possible. What the fuck is wrong with me... I mean how hard is it to get over this stupid shit... it so damn frustrating. This is why the thought of ending it all always seems like the best answer.

Sleepless nights... crazy thoughts...

Laying in bed... thoughts racing through my mind... I just wish I could clear my mind and just sleep. When I dont have things to think about... when I am not worrying about bills... or where the money is gonna come from... I dunno I just default to my year in Iraq... its like I can remember every single day there like it was yesterday. And I guess my mind just goes to whats familiar. I cant remember all these years at home very well... it all seems like a blur. Its frustrating sometimes because I feel like I am missing my life. And I know I have so much to be thankful for. And the only reason I am still here today is because I realize I do have reasons to live. But it doesn't stop me from having these thoughts. I mean it seems like the easy way out away from all the depression and anxiety... all the pills and all the psychiatrists. It is just so much to handle and have to deal with. It may sound like I am whining... but fuck... if I could explain the thoughts that I have... the dreams that I have when I do fall asleep...I just dont want to bother people with my problems... I just feel like i need to keep it all in and to myself. I feel like sometimes I just need and deserve to be all alone.

Another sleepless night of confusion

To say I feel like I don't belong is an understatement. I am constantly asking myself why I am still here... Why I made it back. I just have a feeling that I don't belong... I feel that way especially with my family... Not just my wife and daughter, but my parents my sister, cousins, aunts and uncles. It just doesn't seem like it use to be before Iraq. I just don't feel like I belong. I feel like a stranger in my own life. The thought of death is constantly in my head and it is always so tempting. I don't think I could kill myself because it is the cowardly thing to do, but the honorable thing to do... An honorable death would be to get killed in war, defending our country, dying for a reason. I don't know why I have these thoughts, but I do and I think I will always have them. I just have to keep learning to live with them. I've learned to push everything to the back of my mind... And just keep all this shit to myself... So guess it's on me. I dunno I know this is all fucked up but this is what goes on in my fucked up mind. Sometimes I just don't know how to process all this bullshit. I have two reasons I'm still here... My daughter and my wife, and I still feel I don't deserve them. But whatever it is what it is... I know I'm not the only one who has these thoughts...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone 4

The War... Inside My Head

Six years after returning home from Iraq... I'm still not right. I didn't get shot or blown up... I DID get shot at... I DID have stuff blow up around me... did I kill somebody... well, thats between me and God. The thoughts and images that go through my head every single day make me feel like I am insane. All the meds I am on, all the psychiatrists I have to see to talk about all these things in my heart and my mind... nothing seems to like it is really helping. Nothing is gonna make the feeling and thoughts that went through my body when I was being shot at ever go away. And the feeling seeing friends of mine... fellow soldiers dead... or wounded... FUCK! That is what fucks with me the most.

The numbness that I worked so hard to keep up while in Iraq, still rules my body today. The war inside me is far from over. I am always asked ... would I go back... if you would have asked me that while I was out there, my answer would have been a simple FUCK NO! You ask me now... in my situation now...with a family... I probably shouldn't want to to... but strangely I think I would go back. The feeling you get in a firefight... the adrenaline is like a high. There is no other way to get back to that other than going back to war. I know it sounds stupid... I know it sounds crazy but if I didn't have a family... I would be back there in a second if I could. And I know that I am not alone in feeling this way. All my friends who were there with me feel the same way. Not cause we are patriotic... not for the money... but for the feeling of being in a war zone... for the feeling of being in combat.

Learning to live with things I did and things I saw... is something I am going to have to deal with. Six years later I still don't know how to control my thoughts and emotions. I can't go to over crowded places because I just dont feel safe. I study people whenever we are out wether its at the mall or at the supermarket because I feel like one of these times I think they are going to try to hurt me of my family.

It seems like America and its public has forgot about the wars, and all the soldiers that are currently over there and the ones who are back home... but are still fighting another war inside their heads. Im not talking about the families of the military... but the public in general. It may sound stupid... but when I hear people complaining about traffic... or complaining about a waiter getting their order wrong... it REALLY pisses me off. But I don't say or do anything... I keep it all to myself.

Keeping all my thoughts and emotions in for six years has really taken a toll on me. I am just now learning to trust people enough to talk about all the crap... but I don't know if I will ever be able to truly get all my thoughts and feelings out. For my sake and for the sake of my loved ones.

All military personnel come back changed. Divorce rate for military couples is high... alcohol and drug addiction is common with returning military because no one is really here to teach them how to deal with their issues. I mean you go to the VA and they give you drugs to help with depression and anxiety. They tell you they have groups to help if we want then they move on to the next person...

I feel like I am rambling so im gonna stop just need to get my thoughts in writing cause I don't really know what else to do...

7/8/2010

So it's been awhile since I've written... I am gonna make it a point to write at least once a week. Life has not not been so great, but a lot o thing have happened... The burden of war and the things I have seen and done still weigh heavily on my mind and my soul. Life is better, financially... But I still have a lot of work to do on myself and my family. My psych appointments have been going well, I know there is progress being made... But I still do have constant thoughts of just total worthlessness, and thoughts of just ending everything because it just seems like it would be a lot easier on me and easier on everyone else. I mean I feel like I'm going to he'll for things I've done anyways... So I might as well just get there sooner. But I dunno... Just writing some thoughts that I constantly have on my mind...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone 4

Location:Fort Thomas Pl,Round Rock,United States

...

I have so many reasons to be happy. I have a beautiful wife, I have a beautiful daughter, I have a great house, I am able to pay all the bills... yet I still feel depressed. I still have so many issues inside me that bring me down. I feel like I am not giving my family all of me, and I am not able to give them all they deserve. I want to be a better husband and better father and better son and a better brother... but I feel like I am failing miserably. I want my parents to be proud of me and what I have done with my life, I want my wife to think I am a good husband, and father... and I feel like I am failing her because I am not all there. I feel like working on all my issues is getting more attention than working on making our marriage and our relationship better. I want to give my all into my family, yet I have so many stupid issues that are preventing me from doing that. Usually failing is not an option for me... but lately it seems like I am failing so miserably that I dont know what to do. What am I doing with my life... why do I deserve to be here if I cant even live my life to the fullest. People tell me to be strong... tell me to just get past all this... but you know what...it has been years... and it hasnt really got any better... and its hard to believe that it will get any better. Its not as easy as just thinking positive and getting over things... its just not that easy.

Friends and Family

So I have had time to let it kinda sink in that one of my childhood friends is gone. When I found out... it just hit me hard because I can relate to the feelings he was having. After I wrote the last blog... I got a lot of messages from friends... letting me know that everything is gonna be ok... and that people do care about me. I never doubted that... but I still feel like my problems are a burden to my friends and family. I mean having to hear about it all the time... not being able to handle doing things like going out or going shopping because I cant handle being around too many people. I mean if you were to put yourself in that position... where you just dont feel safe around other people... i think you would feel the same way.

A lot of times I sit here and just feel like I am alone. I feel like the walls are closing in and I am trapped. I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like it would just be easier for me to just go away. But... it happens... I do feel that way, and I am trying to learn how to deal with it. I know if I was to take my life I would hurt a lot of peole. But sometimes it just seems like it would solve a lot of things. I really dont know where to go from here... but all I can do is take it day by day... and if I do get to a place where I feel like I am better off just ending it all... i will reach out to my family and friends... and just hope to be reminded why I need to fight through this.

Dealing with Death

Recently, I have had a couple of friends die. I do not deal with death very well. The thing that bothers me so much is that they were both my age. This past weekend, a long time family friend Sean took his own life. It hit so close to home not only because I have know him for so long, but because he was going through the same thing ( depression and anxiety) that I am going through. I have been to that dark place where I have wanted to take my own life. I know if it weren't for Jasmine and Kaylie, I probably would have. I know it sounds selfish... I know it would have upset my family, but what a lot of people don't understand is that when you are in that place... you feel like you are helping your loved ones... and you feel like you are just done trying to deal with everything. Its like you know what... FUCK THE WORLD. Learning to deal and live with this depression and anxiety sucks!!!! I mean feeling worthless... feeling like you don't belong... even when you are around your own family, I mean how are you supposed to learn to deal with that? I guarantee if I didn't have Jasmine and Kaylie... I would have taken my own life a long time ago. Everyday I have to take my meds and try... try really hard to not get consumed with the depression and the anxiety. I can't help feeling like the only place I am really safe is at home. I HATE going out... I HATE going to places with a lot of people... I HATE feeling like I always have to be on edge... and always feeling like I need to be ready to protect myself... wether its at the mall or the supermarket... or at a bar... anywhere really.

When I do have thoughts of ending my life... its mainly because I feel like all the problems that I have are such a burden to all my friends and family that the world would just be a better place without me. Even with all these people assuring me that it isn't I cant help but feel like it is. Death is not something that I am afraid of... I know everyone has to die at sometime. And I know what it is like to be in that dark place that caused Sean to take his own life. Fuck.... I don't even know what else to say...

RIP SEAN GAGE

RIP JONAS TERVYDIS

War...

War is like a drug. Actually... the firefights, and the threat of being fired upon... that is the drug. Its a high like no other. When you get used to feeling that way, for a year straight, and then you come home, you want... no you need that feeling again. I guess that is why I like to watch war movies. Wether they are about the Iraq War, or WW1 or even WW2, I still get a taste of that feeling. Not enough to satisfy, just a taste. It makes me want more. My heart starts racing... my palms get sweaty... I want to be there... I want more... I want that feeling. You may think I am crazy... but I don't think you could understand unless you have been there. Just a little food for thought...

Its been awhile...

Just thought I would give everyone an update... things are still pretty tough. I am still learning to live and deal with all these mental problems I have. I hate the fact that I can't stand to be around people including friends and family without feeling super uncomfortable and just wanting to get away... get back to my room, my safe haven. Don't ask me why I feel safe there, I just do. Maybe because it is dark... maybe because it is quiet... I couldn't tell you. I still get depressed, but I try not to let my friends and family know... because that isn't the person they knew or know. I know keeping it in isn't good, and I know it isn't gonna get better, but i do what I have to do, and that is why I see my Psychologist weekly. We are working on it, and she is great. In the past few years I have seen many different Psychologists, Psychiatrists, and she is the only one that I actually feel comfotable with and really understands where I am coming from. So that is a good thing. Anyways, just thought I would give you all an update because it has been awhile... until next time...

"ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME"

The things I have seen... the things I have done... and how these things burden me to this day, how they make me question my character and my self worth. I just need to get it in my head that what I think and what other people think really doesnt matter, because ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME. When my time comes, he will judge me on what I have done and seen in my lifetime. I have so much trouble expressing the feeling I have and when it is all bottled up, that is what leads me to depression. And that is when I question why I am still here. I still feel like people don't understand what I am going through. I know my friends and family care, but it is very frustrating when people tell me that I just need to be strong and work through this. It is so much more and so hard to try to even deal with all this. My emotions and my thoughts overflow my head to the point where I just want to shut down and shut everyone out... which is exactly what I do. I am gonna get this quote tattooed on me... where I can see it everyday... where it can remind me that I dont need to worry about everyone else... or even myself... because " Only God Can Judge Me"

Awake... and failing...

I don't know what it is... I just feel like I am failing... as a person, as a father, and especially as a husband. I know that my wife and daughter deserve so much more than I am giving. I want to give them the world... but I know I can't. I feel like I am not even coming close. What am I doing here... I have so much to live for, yet... I feel like I am not living. The depression... it just overwhelms me! And it really doesn't help when people who really don't understand what is going on try to tell me it is going to be ok, and I need to be strong and fight through it and move on with my life. It's like WTF! I mean if it was really that easy don't you think I would move on.... and live a normal life? I mean FUCK! Its so frustrating, sometimes I just want to scream! Sometimes, I just want to sit alone in a dark room and cry... but I am to the point where I don't like to show my emaotions because then people start worrying about me. My daughter and wife deserve so much more... so much better. Just had to get that off my chest thanks all for listening...

EMDR Therapy

Well, I start my EMDR Therapy tomorrow, can't sleep right now cause I am kinda nervous. I know it is probably gonna help, because it has had a history of high success rate, but my therapist told me that is gonna get worse before it gets better. She said I would have to go back to the hardest things... the things that bother me the most, and I may get really depressed and emotional, but that is part of it. That really scares me! The thoughts that go through my head are still so vivid even though it all happened over 5 years ago. Anyways... wish me luck!

Laying here awake

So when I am laying in bed, another sleepless night, I have so many thoughts running through my head. A lot of the time, I just wonder why I am still here, why did I come back safely, when thousands of others didn't. The two main reasons I believe I have a place on this earth are my wife and my daughter. If it weren't for them, I would have no reason. No reason to fight through the depression, to fight through the anxiety. But sometimes, iI am just so exhausted from putting on a front, or just trying to control them and not let them control me. For the five years that I have been back, 3-4 of them were spent pushing all this depresion and anxiety aside. And it just kept building and building, and now it is all just coming back. I miss being the person I used to be. And I know all my friends, and family probably do too. I mean the thing that me happiest, is spending time with my wife and daughter. They are my everything, and I really do believe if I didn't have them, the depression and anxiety would have cost my life. But I wouldn't do that, I have had thoughts, no elaborate plans or anything, but even now, when I am really depressed, I just wonder if it would just be easier to just not have to deal with it anymore. It is so hard for me to express these feelings verbally, and when people want me to tell them what is going through my mind, and what I am feeling, its aggrivating. Unless you have been there, you will never understand. The thing I saw, the things I had to do... i don't know... just shitty. A lot of days, I'll sit in my room blinds closed and just cry... why, just cause i feel like i need to release all these pent up feelings that I keep inside. That is the point where I feel most alone. Eveyone tells me I need to get out of the house, but you know what, I don't want to, because I feel safe in my house. Fuck, sometimes it is so frustrating.

I know I have a very loving family, my parents, sister, my in laws, all my cousins, aunts, uncles and friends...

I just don't want to dissappoint anyone

Update

So things are better between me and Kaylie. We are working it out slowly but surely. Its pretty rough right now affording to live. I still don't have a job, and I haven't had one in TWO years! It sucks! We are so tight on money that its just another thing on my mind to stress about. I am seeing a civilian therapist( who I have to pay out of pocket for), who is by far the best I have seen, VA or civilian. And I am gonna try EMDR therapy in November, and it is supposed to have a high success rate, but it is still gonna take a lot of work.

One thing that kills me is when people tell me to just not let this whole PTSD thing control me. I didn't ask for it, if it was that easy to just put it aside or just ignore it, I wouldn't be in the situation I am in. It fucking sucks! Not being able to go out, do things with my family, be around people. I used to be such a people person, I loved to be the center of attention, now, you could probably find me in the corner so I can see everybody, and not have anyone behind me. Or i'll be at home, where I feel safe. And the depression is just so powerful... its so hard to get out of, the feeling of worthlessness, the just all around sadness, it is so hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just break down, and cry, not even knowing the reason I am crying. I just sit in my room in the dark and cry. I feel like I have all these feelings and memories built up inside that I ust have to release somehow. And I hate for my family to see me like this. So a lot of the time I put up a front, like everything is ok. I have to be strong for them, i've always been strong. They can't see me cry, I can't be weak, at least I can't let people know I am weak.

My wife and daughter are everything to me. Probably the only reason I am still alive right now. But this depression and anxiety is making my marraige really rocky. It must be so exhausting for my wife to deal with all my moods, and me not working, especially while she works her ass off. If anything... I am gonna try to get better for these two girls.

So Confused

Lately life has been really rough. I'm more depressed than ever, and it seems like there is no solution. My problems are a huge burden on my marraige, and I know its not my wifes fault because she has done nothing but support me. Its all on me, and I know I have to get myself under control, or it will cost my marraige. I just don't know what else to do! I tried practically all the pills, i've tried a bunch of psychologists, i'm seeing a psychiatrist who changes or ups my meds every time I see him. Somtimes, I just feel so empty... souless even. I am so lost in my depression and anxiety I don't know what to do next. I know I have two reasons to keep fighting, my wife and my baby girl. That probably the only reason I am still here today. I have hit rock bottom, yet I feel like I am sinking lower. God got me through a year in Iraq, and I know he can get me out of this. I ask him everyday to help and guide me. It's just so hard!I try to stay positive... and I am constantly putting up a front like I am ok and happy, because my problems are my problems. I need to be a man and deal with it. Easier said than done. I can't even go out because of my anxiety... I get so nervous and worried. I feel like I am rubbing off on my daughter cause she always wants to be home. And that kills me, she should be out playing and doing things a three year old should be doing. And now it is being dicussed that I move to Cali without my family for a while to kinda get a change of scenery, but what kind of father would I be? Anyways, thats just whats on my mind right now... I'm so confused and I don't know how to handle all this.