The numbness that I worked so hard to keep up while in Iraq, still rules my body today. The war inside me is far from over. I am always asked ... would I go back... if you would have asked me that while I was out there, my answer would have been a simple FUCK NO! You ask me now... in my situation now...with a family... I probably shouldn't want to to... but strangely I think I would go back. The feeling you get in a firefight... the adrenaline is like a high. There is no other way to get back to that other than going back to war. I know it sounds stupid... I know it sounds crazy but if I didn't have a family... I would be back there in a second if I could. And I know that I am not alone in feeling this way. All my friends who were there with me feel the same way. Not cause we are patriotic... not for the money... but for the feeling of being in a war zone... for the feeling of being in combat.
Learning to live with things I did and things I saw... is something I am going to have to deal with. Six years later I still don't know how to control my thoughts and emotions. I can't go to over crowded places because I just dont feel safe. I study people whenever we are out wether its at the mall or at the supermarket because I feel like one of these times I think they are going to try to hurt me of my family.
It seems like America and its public has forgot about the wars, and all the soldiers that are currently over there and the ones who are back home... but are still fighting another war inside their heads. Im not talking about the families of the military... but the public in general. It may sound stupid... but when I hear people complaining about traffic... or complaining about a waiter getting their order wrong... it REALLY pisses me off. But I don't say or do anything... I keep it all to myself.
Keeping all my thoughts and emotions in for six years has really taken a toll on me. I am just now learning to trust people enough to talk about all the crap... but I don't know if I will ever be able to truly get all my thoughts and feelings out. For my sake and for the sake of my loved ones.
All military personnel come back changed. Divorce rate for military couples is high... alcohol and drug addiction is common with returning military because no one is really here to teach them how to deal with their issues. I mean you go to the VA and they give you drugs to help with depression and anxiety. They tell you they have groups to help if we want then they move on to the next person...
I feel like I am rambling so im gonna stop just need to get my thoughts in writing cause I don't really know what else to do...
