...

I have so many reasons to be happy. I have a beautiful wife, I have a beautiful daughter, I have a great house, I am able to pay all the bills... yet I still feel depressed. I still have so many issues inside me that bring me down. I feel like I am not giving my family all of me, and I am not able to give them all they deserve. I want to be a better husband and better father and better son and a better brother... but I feel like I am failing miserably. I want my parents to be proud of me and what I have done with my life, I want my wife to think I am a good husband, and father... and I feel like I am failing her because I am not all there. I feel like working on all my issues is getting more attention than working on making our marriage and our relationship better. I want to give my all into my family, yet I have so many stupid issues that are preventing me from doing that. Usually failing is not an option for me... but lately it seems like I am failing so miserably that I dont know what to do. What am I doing with my life... why do I deserve to be here if I cant even live my life to the fullest. People tell me to be strong... tell me to just get past all this... but you know what...it has been years... and it hasnt really got any better... and its hard to believe that it will get any better. Its not as easy as just thinking positive and getting over things... its just not that easy.

Friends and Family

So I have had time to let it kinda sink in that one of my childhood friends is gone. When I found out... it just hit me hard because I can relate to the feelings he was having. After I wrote the last blog... I got a lot of messages from friends... letting me know that everything is gonna be ok... and that people do care about me. I never doubted that... but I still feel like my problems are a burden to my friends and family. I mean having to hear about it all the time... not being able to handle doing things like going out or going shopping because I cant handle being around too many people. I mean if you were to put yourself in that position... where you just dont feel safe around other people... i think you would feel the same way.

A lot of times I sit here and just feel like I am alone. I feel like the walls are closing in and I am trapped. I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like it would just be easier for me to just go away. But... it happens... I do feel that way, and I am trying to learn how to deal with it. I know if I was to take my life I would hurt a lot of peole. But sometimes it just seems like it would solve a lot of things. I really dont know where to go from here... but all I can do is take it day by day... and if I do get to a place where I feel like I am better off just ending it all... i will reach out to my family and friends... and just hope to be reminded why I need to fight through this.

Dealing with Death

Recently, I have had a couple of friends die. I do not deal with death very well. The thing that bothers me so much is that they were both my age. This past weekend, a long time family friend Sean took his own life. It hit so close to home not only because I have know him for so long, but because he was going through the same thing ( depression and anxiety) that I am going through. I have been to that dark place where I have wanted to take my own life. I know if it weren't for Jasmine and Kaylie, I probably would have. I know it sounds selfish... I know it would have upset my family, but what a lot of people don't understand is that when you are in that place... you feel like you are helping your loved ones... and you feel like you are just done trying to deal with everything. Its like you know what... FUCK THE WORLD. Learning to deal and live with this depression and anxiety sucks!!!! I mean feeling worthless... feeling like you don't belong... even when you are around your own family, I mean how are you supposed to learn to deal with that? I guarantee if I didn't have Jasmine and Kaylie... I would have taken my own life a long time ago. Everyday I have to take my meds and try... try really hard to not get consumed with the depression and the anxiety. I can't help feeling like the only place I am really safe is at home. I HATE going out... I HATE going to places with a lot of people... I HATE feeling like I always have to be on edge... and always feeling like I need to be ready to protect myself... wether its at the mall or the supermarket... or at a bar... anywhere really.

When I do have thoughts of ending my life... its mainly because I feel like all the problems that I have are such a burden to all my friends and family that the world would just be a better place without me. Even with all these people assuring me that it isn't I cant help but feel like it is. Death is not something that I am afraid of... I know everyone has to die at sometime. And I know what it is like to be in that dark place that caused Sean to take his own life. Fuck.... I don't even know what else to say...

RIP SEAN GAGE

RIP JONAS TERVYDIS