Laying here awake

So when I am laying in bed, another sleepless night, I have so many thoughts running through my head. A lot of the time, I just wonder why I am still here, why did I come back safely, when thousands of others didn't. The two main reasons I believe I have a place on this earth are my wife and my daughter. If it weren't for them, I would have no reason. No reason to fight through the depression, to fight through the anxiety. But sometimes, iI am just so exhausted from putting on a front, or just trying to control them and not let them control me. For the five years that I have been back, 3-4 of them were spent pushing all this depresion and anxiety aside. And it just kept building and building, and now it is all just coming back. I miss being the person I used to be. And I know all my friends, and family probably do too. I mean the thing that me happiest, is spending time with my wife and daughter. They are my everything, and I really do believe if I didn't have them, the depression and anxiety would have cost my life. But I wouldn't do that, I have had thoughts, no elaborate plans or anything, but even now, when I am really depressed, I just wonder if it would just be easier to just not have to deal with it anymore. It is so hard for me to express these feelings verbally, and when people want me to tell them what is going through my mind, and what I am feeling, its aggrivating. Unless you have been there, you will never understand. The thing I saw, the things I had to do... i don't know... just shitty. A lot of days, I'll sit in my room blinds closed and just cry... why, just cause i feel like i need to release all these pent up feelings that I keep inside. That is the point where I feel most alone. Eveyone tells me I need to get out of the house, but you know what, I don't want to, because I feel safe in my house. Fuck, sometimes it is so frustrating.

I know I have a very loving family, my parents, sister, my in laws, all my cousins, aunts, uncles and friends...

I just don't want to dissappoint anyone

Update

So things are better between me and Kaylie. We are working it out slowly but surely. Its pretty rough right now affording to live. I still don't have a job, and I haven't had one in TWO years! It sucks! We are so tight on money that its just another thing on my mind to stress about. I am seeing a civilian therapist( who I have to pay out of pocket for), who is by far the best I have seen, VA or civilian. And I am gonna try EMDR therapy in November, and it is supposed to have a high success rate, but it is still gonna take a lot of work.

One thing that kills me is when people tell me to just not let this whole PTSD thing control me. I didn't ask for it, if it was that easy to just put it aside or just ignore it, I wouldn't be in the situation I am in. It fucking sucks! Not being able to go out, do things with my family, be around people. I used to be such a people person, I loved to be the center of attention, now, you could probably find me in the corner so I can see everybody, and not have anyone behind me. Or i'll be at home, where I feel safe. And the depression is just so powerful... its so hard to get out of, the feeling of worthlessness, the just all around sadness, it is so hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just break down, and cry, not even knowing the reason I am crying. I just sit in my room in the dark and cry. I feel like I have all these feelings and memories built up inside that I ust have to release somehow. And I hate for my family to see me like this. So a lot of the time I put up a front, like everything is ok. I have to be strong for them, i've always been strong. They can't see me cry, I can't be weak, at least I can't let people know I am weak.

My wife and daughter are everything to me. Probably the only reason I am still alive right now. But this depression and anxiety is making my marraige really rocky. It must be so exhausting for my wife to deal with all my moods, and me not working, especially while she works her ass off. If anything... I am gonna try to get better for these two girls.