Sleepless nights... crazy thoughts...

Laying in bed... thoughts racing through my mind... I just wish I could clear my mind and just sleep. When I dont have things to think about... when I am not worrying about bills... or where the money is gonna come from... I dunno I just default to my year in Iraq... its like I can remember every single day there like it was yesterday. And I guess my mind just goes to whats familiar. I cant remember all these years at home very well... it all seems like a blur. Its frustrating sometimes because I feel like I am missing my life. And I know I have so much to be thankful for. And the only reason I am still here today is because I realize I do have reasons to live. But it doesn't stop me from having these thoughts. I mean it seems like the easy way out away from all the depression and anxiety... all the pills and all the psychiatrists. It is just so much to handle and have to deal with. It may sound like I am whining... but fuck... if I could explain the thoughts that I have... the dreams that I have when I do fall asleep...I just dont want to bother people with my problems... I just feel like i need to keep it all in and to myself. I feel like sometimes I just need and deserve to be all alone.

Another sleepless night of confusion

To say I feel like I don't belong is an understatement. I am constantly asking myself why I am still here... Why I made it back. I just have a feeling that I don't belong... I feel that way especially with my family... Not just my wife and daughter, but my parents my sister, cousins, aunts and uncles. It just doesn't seem like it use to be before Iraq. I just don't feel like I belong. I feel like a stranger in my own life. The thought of death is constantly in my head and it is always so tempting. I don't think I could kill myself because it is the cowardly thing to do, but the honorable thing to do... An honorable death would be to get killed in war, defending our country, dying for a reason. I don't know why I have these thoughts, but I do and I think I will always have them. I just have to keep learning to live with them. I've learned to push everything to the back of my mind... And just keep all this shit to myself... So guess it's on me. I dunno I know this is all fucked up but this is what goes on in my fucked up mind. Sometimes I just don't know how to process all this bullshit. I have two reasons I'm still here... My daughter and my wife, and I still feel I don't deserve them. But whatever it is what it is... I know I'm not the only one who has these thoughts...

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The War... Inside My Head

Six years after returning home from Iraq... I'm still not right. I didn't get shot or blown up... I DID get shot at... I DID have stuff blow up around me... did I kill somebody... well, thats between me and God. The thoughts and images that go through my head every single day make me feel like I am insane. All the meds I am on, all the psychiatrists I have to see to talk about all these things in my heart and my mind... nothing seems to like it is really helping. Nothing is gonna make the feeling and thoughts that went through my body when I was being shot at ever go away. And the feeling seeing friends of mine... fellow soldiers dead... or wounded... FUCK! That is what fucks with me the most.

The numbness that I worked so hard to keep up while in Iraq, still rules my body today. The war inside me is far from over. I am always asked ... would I go back... if you would have asked me that while I was out there, my answer would have been a simple FUCK NO! You ask me now... in my situation now...with a family... I probably shouldn't want to to... but strangely I think I would go back. The feeling you get in a firefight... the adrenaline is like a high. There is no other way to get back to that other than going back to war. I know it sounds stupid... I know it sounds crazy but if I didn't have a family... I would be back there in a second if I could. And I know that I am not alone in feeling this way. All my friends who were there with me feel the same way. Not cause we are patriotic... not for the money... but for the feeling of being in a war zone... for the feeling of being in combat.

Learning to live with things I did and things I saw... is something I am going to have to deal with. Six years later I still don't know how to control my thoughts and emotions. I can't go to over crowded places because I just dont feel safe. I study people whenever we are out wether its at the mall or at the supermarket because I feel like one of these times I think they are going to try to hurt me of my family.

It seems like America and its public has forgot about the wars, and all the soldiers that are currently over there and the ones who are back home... but are still fighting another war inside their heads. Im not talking about the families of the military... but the public in general. It may sound stupid... but when I hear people complaining about traffic... or complaining about a waiter getting their order wrong... it REALLY pisses me off. But I don't say or do anything... I keep it all to myself.

Keeping all my thoughts and emotions in for six years has really taken a toll on me. I am just now learning to trust people enough to talk about all the crap... but I don't know if I will ever be able to truly get all my thoughts and feelings out. For my sake and for the sake of my loved ones.

All military personnel come back changed. Divorce rate for military couples is high... alcohol and drug addiction is common with returning military because no one is really here to teach them how to deal with their issues. I mean you go to the VA and they give you drugs to help with depression and anxiety. They tell you they have groups to help if we want then they move on to the next person...

I feel like I am rambling so im gonna stop just need to get my thoughts in writing cause I don't really know what else to do...

7/8/2010

So it's been awhile since I've written... I am gonna make it a point to write at least once a week. Life has not not been so great, but a lot o thing have happened... The burden of war and the things I have seen and done still weigh heavily on my mind and my soul. Life is better, financially... But I still have a lot of work to do on myself and my family. My psych appointments have been going well, I know there is progress being made... But I still do have constant thoughts of just total worthlessness, and thoughts of just ending everything because it just seems like it would be a lot easier on me and easier on everyone else. I mean I feel like I'm going to he'll for things I've done anyways... So I might as well just get there sooner. But I dunno... Just writing some thoughts that I constantly have on my mind...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone 4

Location:Fort Thomas Pl,Round Rock,United States

...

I have so many reasons to be happy. I have a beautiful wife, I have a beautiful daughter, I have a great house, I am able to pay all the bills... yet I still feel depressed. I still have so many issues inside me that bring me down. I feel like I am not giving my family all of me, and I am not able to give them all they deserve. I want to be a better husband and better father and better son and a better brother... but I feel like I am failing miserably. I want my parents to be proud of me and what I have done with my life, I want my wife to think I am a good husband, and father... and I feel like I am failing her because I am not all there. I feel like working on all my issues is getting more attention than working on making our marriage and our relationship better. I want to give my all into my family, yet I have so many stupid issues that are preventing me from doing that. Usually failing is not an option for me... but lately it seems like I am failing so miserably that I dont know what to do. What am I doing with my life... why do I deserve to be here if I cant even live my life to the fullest. People tell me to be strong... tell me to just get past all this... but you know what...it has been years... and it hasnt really got any better... and its hard to believe that it will get any better. Its not as easy as just thinking positive and getting over things... its just not that easy.

Friends and Family

So I have had time to let it kinda sink in that one of my childhood friends is gone. When I found out... it just hit me hard because I can relate to the feelings he was having. After I wrote the last blog... I got a lot of messages from friends... letting me know that everything is gonna be ok... and that people do care about me. I never doubted that... but I still feel like my problems are a burden to my friends and family. I mean having to hear about it all the time... not being able to handle doing things like going out or going shopping because I cant handle being around too many people. I mean if you were to put yourself in that position... where you just dont feel safe around other people... i think you would feel the same way.

A lot of times I sit here and just feel like I am alone. I feel like the walls are closing in and I am trapped. I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like it would just be easier for me to just go away. But... it happens... I do feel that way, and I am trying to learn how to deal with it. I know if I was to take my life I would hurt a lot of peole. But sometimes it just seems like it would solve a lot of things. I really dont know where to go from here... but all I can do is take it day by day... and if I do get to a place where I feel like I am better off just ending it all... i will reach out to my family and friends... and just hope to be reminded why I need to fight through this.

Dealing with Death

Recently, I have had a couple of friends die. I do not deal with death very well. The thing that bothers me so much is that they were both my age. This past weekend, a long time family friend Sean took his own life. It hit so close to home not only because I have know him for so long, but because he was going through the same thing ( depression and anxiety) that I am going through. I have been to that dark place where I have wanted to take my own life. I know if it weren't for Jasmine and Kaylie, I probably would have. I know it sounds selfish... I know it would have upset my family, but what a lot of people don't understand is that when you are in that place... you feel like you are helping your loved ones... and you feel like you are just done trying to deal with everything. Its like you know what... FUCK THE WORLD. Learning to deal and live with this depression and anxiety sucks!!!! I mean feeling worthless... feeling like you don't belong... even when you are around your own family, I mean how are you supposed to learn to deal with that? I guarantee if I didn't have Jasmine and Kaylie... I would have taken my own life a long time ago. Everyday I have to take my meds and try... try really hard to not get consumed with the depression and the anxiety. I can't help feeling like the only place I am really safe is at home. I HATE going out... I HATE going to places with a lot of people... I HATE feeling like I always have to be on edge... and always feeling like I need to be ready to protect myself... wether its at the mall or the supermarket... or at a bar... anywhere really.

When I do have thoughts of ending my life... its mainly because I feel like all the problems that I have are such a burden to all my friends and family that the world would just be a better place without me. Even with all these people assuring me that it isn't I cant help but feel like it is. Death is not something that I am afraid of... I know everyone has to die at sometime. And I know what it is like to be in that dark place that caused Sean to take his own life. Fuck.... I don't even know what else to say...

RIP SEAN GAGE

RIP JONAS TERVYDIS

War...

War is like a drug. Actually... the firefights, and the threat of being fired upon... that is the drug. Its a high like no other. When you get used to feeling that way, for a year straight, and then you come home, you want... no you need that feeling again. I guess that is why I like to watch war movies. Wether they are about the Iraq War, or WW1 or even WW2, I still get a taste of that feeling. Not enough to satisfy, just a taste. It makes me want more. My heart starts racing... my palms get sweaty... I want to be there... I want more... I want that feeling. You may think I am crazy... but I don't think you could understand unless you have been there. Just a little food for thought...

Its been awhile...

Just thought I would give everyone an update... things are still pretty tough. I am still learning to live and deal with all these mental problems I have. I hate the fact that I can't stand to be around people including friends and family without feeling super uncomfortable and just wanting to get away... get back to my room, my safe haven. Don't ask me why I feel safe there, I just do. Maybe because it is dark... maybe because it is quiet... I couldn't tell you. I still get depressed, but I try not to let my friends and family know... because that isn't the person they knew or know. I know keeping it in isn't good, and I know it isn't gonna get better, but i do what I have to do, and that is why I see my Psychologist weekly. We are working on it, and she is great. In the past few years I have seen many different Psychologists, Psychiatrists, and she is the only one that I actually feel comfotable with and really understands where I am coming from. So that is a good thing. Anyways, just thought I would give you all an update because it has been awhile... until next time...