"ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME"

The things I have seen... the things I have done... and how these things burden me to this day, how they make me question my character and my self worth. I just need to get it in my head that what I think and what other people think really doesnt matter, because ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME. When my time comes, he will judge me on what I have done and seen in my lifetime. I have so much trouble expressing the feeling I have and when it is all bottled up, that is what leads me to depression. And that is when I question why I am still here. I still feel like people don't understand what I am going through. I know my friends and family care, but it is very frustrating when people tell me that I just need to be strong and work through this. It is so much more and so hard to try to even deal with all this. My emotions and my thoughts overflow my head to the point where I just want to shut down and shut everyone out... which is exactly what I do. I am gonna get this quote tattooed on me... where I can see it everyday... where it can remind me that I dont need to worry about everyone else... or even myself... because " Only God Can Judge Me"

Awake... and failing...

I don't know what it is... I just feel like I am failing... as a person, as a father, and especially as a husband. I know that my wife and daughter deserve so much more than I am giving. I want to give them the world... but I know I can't. I feel like I am not even coming close. What am I doing here... I have so much to live for, yet... I feel like I am not living. The depression... it just overwhelms me! And it really doesn't help when people who really don't understand what is going on try to tell me it is going to be ok, and I need to be strong and fight through it and move on with my life. It's like WTF! I mean if it was really that easy don't you think I would move on.... and live a normal life? I mean FUCK! Its so frustrating, sometimes I just want to scream! Sometimes, I just want to sit alone in a dark room and cry... but I am to the point where I don't like to show my emaotions because then people start worrying about me. My daughter and wife deserve so much more... so much better. Just had to get that off my chest thanks all for listening...

EMDR Therapy

Well, I start my EMDR Therapy tomorrow, can't sleep right now cause I am kinda nervous. I know it is probably gonna help, because it has had a history of high success rate, but my therapist told me that is gonna get worse before it gets better. She said I would have to go back to the hardest things... the things that bother me the most, and I may get really depressed and emotional, but that is part of it. That really scares me! The thoughts that go through my head are still so vivid even though it all happened over 5 years ago. Anyways... wish me luck!

Laying here awake

So when I am laying in bed, another sleepless night, I have so many thoughts running through my head. A lot of the time, I just wonder why I am still here, why did I come back safely, when thousands of others didn't. The two main reasons I believe I have a place on this earth are my wife and my daughter. If it weren't for them, I would have no reason. No reason to fight through the depression, to fight through the anxiety. But sometimes, iI am just so exhausted from putting on a front, or just trying to control them and not let them control me. For the five years that I have been back, 3-4 of them were spent pushing all this depresion and anxiety aside. And it just kept building and building, and now it is all just coming back. I miss being the person I used to be. And I know all my friends, and family probably do too. I mean the thing that me happiest, is spending time with my wife and daughter. They are my everything, and I really do believe if I didn't have them, the depression and anxiety would have cost my life. But I wouldn't do that, I have had thoughts, no elaborate plans or anything, but even now, when I am really depressed, I just wonder if it would just be easier to just not have to deal with it anymore. It is so hard for me to express these feelings verbally, and when people want me to tell them what is going through my mind, and what I am feeling, its aggrivating. Unless you have been there, you will never understand. The thing I saw, the things I had to do... i don't know... just shitty. A lot of days, I'll sit in my room blinds closed and just cry... why, just cause i feel like i need to release all these pent up feelings that I keep inside. That is the point where I feel most alone. Eveyone tells me I need to get out of the house, but you know what, I don't want to, because I feel safe in my house. Fuck, sometimes it is so frustrating.

I know I have a very loving family, my parents, sister, my in laws, all my cousins, aunts, uncles and friends...

I just don't want to dissappoint anyone

Update

So things are better between me and Kaylie. We are working it out slowly but surely. Its pretty rough right now affording to live. I still don't have a job, and I haven't had one in TWO years! It sucks! We are so tight on money that its just another thing on my mind to stress about. I am seeing a civilian therapist( who I have to pay out of pocket for), who is by far the best I have seen, VA or civilian. And I am gonna try EMDR therapy in November, and it is supposed to have a high success rate, but it is still gonna take a lot of work.

One thing that kills me is when people tell me to just not let this whole PTSD thing control me. I didn't ask for it, if it was that easy to just put it aside or just ignore it, I wouldn't be in the situation I am in. It fucking sucks! Not being able to go out, do things with my family, be around people. I used to be such a people person, I loved to be the center of attention, now, you could probably find me in the corner so I can see everybody, and not have anyone behind me. Or i'll be at home, where I feel safe. And the depression is just so powerful... its so hard to get out of, the feeling of worthlessness, the just all around sadness, it is so hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just break down, and cry, not even knowing the reason I am crying. I just sit in my room in the dark and cry. I feel like I have all these feelings and memories built up inside that I ust have to release somehow. And I hate for my family to see me like this. So a lot of the time I put up a front, like everything is ok. I have to be strong for them, i've always been strong. They can't see me cry, I can't be weak, at least I can't let people know I am weak.

My wife and daughter are everything to me. Probably the only reason I am still alive right now. But this depression and anxiety is making my marraige really rocky. It must be so exhausting for my wife to deal with all my moods, and me not working, especially while she works her ass off. If anything... I am gonna try to get better for these two girls.

So Confused

Lately life has been really rough. I'm more depressed than ever, and it seems like there is no solution. My problems are a huge burden on my marraige, and I know its not my wifes fault because she has done nothing but support me. Its all on me, and I know I have to get myself under control, or it will cost my marraige. I just don't know what else to do! I tried practically all the pills, i've tried a bunch of psychologists, i'm seeing a psychiatrist who changes or ups my meds every time I see him. Somtimes, I just feel so empty... souless even. I am so lost in my depression and anxiety I don't know what to do next. I know I have two reasons to keep fighting, my wife and my baby girl. That probably the only reason I am still here today. I have hit rock bottom, yet I feel like I am sinking lower. God got me through a year in Iraq, and I know he can get me out of this. I ask him everyday to help and guide me. It's just so hard!I try to stay positive... and I am constantly putting up a front like I am ok and happy, because my problems are my problems. I need to be a man and deal with it. Easier said than done. I can't even go out because of my anxiety... I get so nervous and worried. I feel like I am rubbing off on my daughter cause she always wants to be home. And that kills me, she should be out playing and doing things a three year old should be doing. And now it is being dicussed that I move to Cali without my family for a while to kinda get a change of scenery, but what kind of father would I be? Anyways, thats just whats on my mind right now... I'm so confused and I don't know how to handle all this.

Another older post...

I sit here its 3am... another sleepless night. I have way too many things on my mind. I feel like I dont belong. The civilian world isnt what I thought it would be like. The war has just drained me. I sit in class in the very back corner so I can see all the peole in the class just because my anxiety gets to me. Sounds of firefights, mortars and IED's still ring clearly in my ears. I still remember cleaning the blood of enemies out of the back of Bradley's with paper towels and bottles of water, because we didn't have running water. I have seen so many dead bodies... It didn't even bother me. Most of them were the enemy... some were not. 5 years later I still have nightmares and flashbacks of these horrific things. It eats away at my mind. I am just now learing how to talk about it... well actually write about it. The only people I really feel comfortable around are the people I went over there with, for the simple fact that they were there watching my back when we were in firefights.

James Pritle was a friend. He died Oct 4th 2003. I will never forget that day. When word got hout that a bradley had been hit, we emptied the camp to get the guys who were responsible, there were seven of them and they all paid. The part that still breaks my heart every single day... especially now that I am a father... Is his wife was pregnant with thier daughter. Katie never got to meet her Daddy. I know he wasnt the only one.. he was just one I knew personally. There are 4000+ other Americans who gave the ultimate sacrifice for their country. I thank God everyday for bringing me back alive so I could be a father. I love my daughter more than anything in this world. She is my everything.

I hear people complain about petty shit. And it makes me soooo angry. I guess I get irritated a lot easier. But one thing I wouldn't do is wish my experience on anyone. On the other hand... If I didn't have a wife and daughter you bet your ass I would be over there again to be with my friends who are going over there for thier third time!

I can't help but feel like I should be over there with my friends. I mean they have made it through 2 deployments already... and I wish I could be there to make sure they came home from this one. All I can do is pray for their safety and hope this is thier last time.

The things I go through to get through a day really exhaust me. My anxiety effects where I go, and where I can stay or how long I can stay in a place. I used to be such an outgoing people person. Now I would really rather just stay at home. If I get around too many people, I get really uncomfortable. I know Kaylie pays for it cause we never go out. And I try sometimes to go out for her and ill make it through the night, but it ill just keep my feelings bottled up inside.

My depression is a whole nother issue... I get into this deep depressions now and then when I just feel so down and so sad, and I really dont have any reason to be. A lot of times it brings me to tears, and I just cant help it. I dont like people to see me like that so again, I bottle it all up until it eventually builds up so much that I break down.

I am taking medicine for all this. The VA has me on all kinds of medicine. I dont know if they help but I take them. They just keep upping them and upping them. Dont really see an end to that.

Well sorry for babbling on about all this...just needed to get it off my chest... AGAIN.

Last night

Last night I hit rock bottom. I took a bunch of pills and drank a whole lot of alcohol. I was acting dumb... I was depressed, I was mad, I felt worthless and helpless. I was so messed up that I really didn't know what I was doing. I was pissed off one minute, the next minute I was crying. The pills and the alcohol made me act and feel like a person I never thought I could become. I hurt people... especially my wife. She was hurt and dissappointed in me and was very close to leaving. I know I need help, I need to learn how to deal with my emotions and the thoughts that go through my head. I need proffesional help...really bad. As of today I stopped drinking, because it can only cause trouble, it does no good for me. I just want to be the father and husband that my wife and daughter deserve. So far I feel like I am failing. But hopefully with professional help, and a lot of support from my family and friends I can pull through this hard time in my life.

Worthlessness

I don't know why, but some days I just feel so worthless. I don't know why I feel like this. I can't explain my feelings to anyone, its too hard for me to do it without breaking down and crying. I feel like I get in these moods, in these deep depressions because I don't feel like anyone understands me. I just totally break down and want to block everyone and everything out. I just feel like no one will understand why I am like this. Guess I have to learn to deal with this...

We will never forget!

Sometimes I feel like a lot of people have forgot about this war, and all the thousands of troops we still have over seas. I was In Iraq for a year, I know how it is. I know how it feels to lose friends over there and have to continue the mission. I have met wives and children who have lost their husband, and Mother's and Fathers's who have lost their son or daughter. I than God, for bringing me back safe to my family so I could live a full life. We can't forget all the soldiers who gave thier lives and paid the ultimate sacrafice for this country. Also the ones who made it back but suffer physically and mentally. We need to support our troops past and present

9/11

The whole reason I joined the Army. I can remember sittting there glued to the TV in disbelief. I can remember tears running down my face, feeling sad for all the people that were lost, but so much anger for the people who cause it. All we can do is remember all the innocent people who lost thier lives and all the Heros who lost thier lives trying to help them. Also, you have to remember all the Heros who have lost their lives, the ones who have fought, come back and still suffer, and expecially all the ones that continue to fight thousands and thousands of miles away from thier friends and family.

"We will never forget"

So I saw the phyciatrist today...

So today I had my usual appointment... again, all the VA does is ask the same questions... how are you feeling, have you had any suicidal thoughts, how is the depression, how is the anxiety... same ol shit diffrent day. They didn't change my meds at all, they just added another one to help with the depression. All I can do is take it to help with my mental health, nothing else works... therapy, support groups... all crap. People tell me not to give in to the depression, and not to let the anxiety control my life... IT"S NOT THAT EASY!!!!! I dont choose to be like this, I used to be a happy go lucky , life of the party people person, now, I can't stand being out in any type of crowd... or even leaving the house. But I dont expect everyone to understand, because I know it's not normal. But what can you do besides roll with the punches and try to move on...

Out of pills...

So I had been doing well with my sleep schedule, even without the pills for a while... now I am out of pills, and I didnt actually fall asleep till 8 am this morning. That was pretty shitty, but what can I do. The worst part about it, is that when I am up that long, I have so much time to think about things, and thats when my mind starts messing with me. Sometimes I feel like i'm going crazy...

The weekend...

We went downtown for the twins birthday... the downtown scene isnt really my thing anymore. Way too many people and with my anxiety I feel like fighting anyone that looks at me or bumps in to me. I don't act on it because I know I can control it. The only reason I go out is to keep my wife happy. There is no reason for her to be stuck at home cause I can't or don't want to go out. Its so hard for me to be in those situations, but What can ya do, that's life.

What to do...

Its hard to know what to do. I spend my days at home with my daughter, which is not a bad thing, but I just dont really like to get out of the house. I used to be such a people person, but now it is so hard for me to go out. I don't feel safe. I actually feel like there are people out there to kill me. I know its crazy, but thats how I feel. I study every single person that passes by me, its like its just habbit. Kaylie always catches me doing it, but I can't help it. There was a time I was driving in the car with Jasmine, and these dudes turned behind me... and for some reason I thought they were following me... I mean they did follow me almost up to my house, but I had so many things going through my mind. I was looking for something to fight them with... I was planning to jump out and lock the doors so Jasmine was ok. But they ended up turning around when I got close to home. Its shit like that that makes me realize I am not ok...

So this is it...

I finally decided to do this. Writing my thoughts and what is on my mind seems to kinda help, works better than the medicine anyway... so every now and then I'll get on here to put whats going on in that crazy mind of mine on paper!

Some older entries...

Well, my friend Mikey left this past week back to Iraq for the third time. It is so hard for me to watch him go again. He is my brother in arms, and always will be. I know the soldiers he is over there with now are good soldier and are trained well, but I can't help but feel like I need to be there to watch his back. The first time we were all over there we were all so close, and we all had a bond that not very many people will get to experience. We knew we had each others back and we were gonna make sure we were all coming home. Death is a part of war, I know this and so does everyone that goes. The rules of engagement are always different, but one that is always intact is if your life is threatened you better kill them before they kill you. I have seen may things, that people should never have to see. I have seen bodies blown to pieces, limbs 20 feet away from the rest of thier bodies, innocent children wounded or killed in the crossfire. I had to clean out the back of a Bradley that was holding the bloody bodies of our wounded enemies. All I had was a jug of water and some paper towels. Is that normal??? Again, something no one should ever have to do. And people wonder why we come back and our heads are so messed up. I mean when a woman walks toward you and wont stop even with us firing warning shots and repeatedly telling her to stop, then when she gets close enough and blows herself up right in front of us, there is no way that wont effect you for the rest of your life. The only thing between her and us was our Bradley. Not many people understand. And I don't expect them to understand. But that is why I have som much trouble doing some things. I can't be around to many people because I get so uncomfortable, and so anxious. I have to study people as they walk by me because I feel like there are some people out there to hurt me or my family. A nd this is almost 5 years later! And this is why I am on all kinds of medication. Which I hate, but have become dependant on.

I constantly have have thoughts going through my head about the deployment, and my friends that are over there and my friends that have passed. I never for one second regret joining the Army. It was probalby one of the best times of my life, and something that I am very proud of. And I would do it all over again if I had the chance to.


I always believed in praying, but while I was out there, when I felt scared for my life I would just close my eyes while bullets were whizzing by, and there were explosions all over the place, and ask God to watch over me. It made me realize the true power of prayer. He helped me through that whole year.

Every time I think if friends that have passed on... that gave the ultimate sacrifice for their counrty, my heart hurts and I cry. For all the guys that had children that they never got to meet... my heart aches so bad for them.

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Why do I feel like this? I have a beautiful Wife and a beautiful daughter. They are my everything, yet I feel alone, I feel like I am failing as a person. I have friends going back for a third deployment, I feel like I belong with them over there so I can watch their back and make sure they come home. They give me medicine to help deal with this crap, but it does no good. If if doesnt work they just try something else or just up the dosage. Is that how this is solved? I feel like i need to stay home because I dont want people to think I am wierd. I know my family loves me, but sometimes I just want to be alone to think. Thats probably not the best thing to do, but i do it anyways. Sometimes I just feel like crying for no reason, but i don't because it would make me feel like I am weak and helpless, so I just hold it in. And it is just building up inside me. I dont know how to handle all this, a lot of the time if feels like too much to handle. I would never try to take my own life or anything like that cause I couldnt do that to my family. But I hate feeling so helpless. I just wish I could rid my mind of all these thoughts, but it was the life I chose. Depression is a crappy thing, I wish I coulsd handle it better

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I sit here its 3am... another sleepless night. I have way too many things on my mind. I feel like I dont belong. The civilian world isnt what I thought it would be like. The war has just drained me. I sit in class in the very back corner so I can see all the peole in the class just because my anxiety gets to me. Sounds of firefights, mortars and IED's still ring clearly in my ears. I still remember cleaning the blood of enemies out of the back of Bradley's with paper towels and bottles of water, because we didn't have running water. I have seen so many dead bodies... It didn't even bother me. Most of them were the enemy... some were not. 5 years later I still have nightmares and flashbacks of these horrific things. It eats away at my mind. I am just now learing how to talk about it... well actually write about it. The only people I really feel comfortable around are the people I went over there with, for the simple fact that they were there watching my back when we were in firefights.

James Pritle was a friend. He died Oct 4th 2003. I will never forget that day. When word got hout that a bradley had been hit, we emptied the camp to get the guys who were responsible, there were seven of them and they all paid. The part that still breaks my heart every single day... especially now that I am a father... Is his wife was pregnant with thier daughter. Katie never got to meet her Daddy. I know he wasnt the only one.. he was just one I knew personally. There are 4000+ other Americans who gave the ultimate sacrifice for their country. I thank God everyday for bringing me back alive so I could be a father. I love my daughter more than anything in this world. She is my everything.

I hear people complain about petty shit. And it makes me soooo angry. I guess I get irritated a lot easier. But one thing I wouldn't do is wish my experience on anyone. On the other hand... If I didn't have a wife and daughter you bet your ass I would be over there again to be with my friends who are going over there for thier third time!

I can't help but feel like I should be over there with my friends. I mean they have made it through 2 deployments already... and I wish I could be there to make sure they came home from this one. All I can do is pray for their safety and hope this is thier last time.

The things I go through to get through a day really exhaust me. My anxiety effects where I go, and where I can stay or how long I can stay in a place. I used to be such an outgoing people person. Now I would really rather just stay at home. If I get around too many people, I get really uncomfortable. I know Kaylie pays for it cause we never go out. And I try sometimes to go out for her and ill make it through the night, but it ill just keep my feelings bottled up inside.

My depression is a whole nother issue... I get into this deep depressions now and then when I just feel so down and so sad, and I really dont have any reason to be. A lot of times it brings me to tears, and I just cant help it. I dont like people to see me like that so again, I bottle it all up until it eventually builds up so much that I break down.

I am taking medicine for all this. The VA has me on all kinds of medicine. I dont know if they help but I take them. They just keep upping them and upping them. Dont really see an end to that.

Well sorry for babbling on about all this...just needed to get it off my chest... AGAIN.

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Sometimes, when I sit here and think, I end up in a very dark place. I know I have everything to live for... a beautiful wife and daughter... yet thoughts go through my head that shouldnt. Depression hits me hard, and I dont know what to do with it. I let it eat at me because I want to be strong for my family and friends. Everyone has enough worries in their life, they dont need to worry about me. At times I sit in my room, heavy hearted, and I am so overwhelmed that I have to break down. It seems like I am is such a deep dark place that it would be too hard to get myself out of. There are time where I just want to end it, but I know that isnt the answer. I pray to God and ask him what I need to do, I ask for his help, but this dark feeling seems too strong. I dont know where it is the meds I am on or if it is just my frame of mind, but this is just so ard to beat. There were times in Iraq when we would be in a firefight and bullets would be flying where I would close my eyes and quickly ask God to watch over me. He got me through a year in that hell hole... and I know He can get me through this. I know it sounds wierd, but this seems so much harder. The depression, the anxiety, and just the horrible thoughts that go through my head... its so hard to deal with by myself. I really hate talking about it to family and friends but this is the easiest way for me to share with everybody. I do have thoughts that I know would devistate a lot of people but they are just thoughts. I scare myself sometimes, but always end up being able to work out of it. Anyways just some thoughts from my head right now.

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have so many thoughts going through my head all day and all night. The memory of all the horrible things I saw during my deployment will always be with me. I can remember the details so vividly that it feels like I am there experiencing it again. I know the things I am going through thousands and thousands of other soldiers are going trhough also. I know I am not the only one. I am trying to learn to live with it, also I am trying to beat this. I am understanding that it is gonna take more than just more and more pills to make me better. It is gonna take time, patience, and prayer. I know God got me through the deployment, so I know He can get me through this.

The depression is the hardest things to deal with. WHen it happens to me I get so deeply into it, its like nothing else matters. I just want to be alone... in a dark room. I am learning to deal with it better... thoughts of suicide have been there before, just like many other soldiers who suffer from this. The thing that always pulls me away from those thoughts is my family and my friends. You have all been so supportive and understanding. I think that the people who resort to suicide are the ones who don't have family and friends who are there to support them, so they feel alone and like there is no point in living. Through out all this, you have been there to listen, you have been there to give encouraging words, and you have been a shoulder to cry on. I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart, I owe you all my life, and just thank you for being there for me.

I am sure there are gonna be a lot more of these to come, I find that it really helps me to write my thoughts.