Suicide

Suicide among soldier suffering from PTSD is a real thing... it happens way too often. I know that it is real because I have been in a spot where I have considered it... and I have come close. I have been to the rock bottom and it is a lonely feeling. Sometimes dealing with the depression and the anxiety is just too much. It is so exhausting to try to deal with it and hold it all in so you dont bother you loved ones with all your problems. I held them in for 5 years. I put on a front like everything was ok when inside... it was killing me... I was hurting so much. It isnt easy talking to just anyone about what we did and what we saw out there. Just wanted to write a quick blog while this was on my mind.

Lost and Undeserving

To say I don't belong is an understatement. I just feel like a stranger in my life. I dont feel comfortable around my loved ones. It has nothing to do with them but has everything to do with me. A lot of the time I just feel so alone. I feel like all the things I have... a beautiful wife... a beautiful daughter... a loving family... I don't deserve any of this. And I know that feeling sorry for myself isn't going to solve anything and it isn't even that I really feel sorry for myself its that I really feel like after some of the things that I have seen, and done... I feel like I don't deserve everything that I have. I have the hardest time sleeping because I always have so much on my mind, I can't calm my mind down.

My anxiety is a whole other thing. I am so paranoid when I am out of the house it isn't even funny. I always feel like there is someone out there to try and get me or my family so I have to study everyone around me and I am suspicious of EVERYBODY. So how do I solve this problem? I just stay in as much as possible. What the fuck is wrong with me... I mean how hard is it to get over this stupid shit... it so damn frustrating. This is why the thought of ending it all always seems like the best answer.