Sleepless nights... crazy thoughts...

Laying in bed... thoughts racing through my mind... I just wish I could clear my mind and just sleep. When I dont have things to think about... when I am not worrying about bills... or where the money is gonna come from... I dunno I just default to my year in Iraq... its like I can remember every single day there like it was yesterday. And I guess my mind just goes to whats familiar. I cant remember all these years at home very well... it all seems like a blur. Its frustrating sometimes because I feel like I am missing my life. And I know I have so much to be thankful for. And the only reason I am still here today is because I realize I do have reasons to live. But it doesn't stop me from having these thoughts. I mean it seems like the easy way out away from all the depression and anxiety... all the pills and all the psychiatrists. It is just so much to handle and have to deal with. It may sound like I am whining... but fuck... if I could explain the thoughts that I have... the dreams that I have when I do fall asleep...I just dont want to bother people with my problems... I just feel like i need to keep it all in and to myself. I feel like sometimes I just need and deserve to be all alone.

Another sleepless night of confusion

To say I feel like I don't belong is an understatement. I am constantly asking myself why I am still here... Why I made it back. I just have a feeling that I don't belong... I feel that way especially with my family... Not just my wife and daughter, but my parents my sister, cousins, aunts and uncles. It just doesn't seem like it use to be before Iraq. I just don't feel like I belong. I feel like a stranger in my own life. The thought of death is constantly in my head and it is always so tempting. I don't think I could kill myself because it is the cowardly thing to do, but the honorable thing to do... An honorable death would be to get killed in war, defending our country, dying for a reason. I don't know why I have these thoughts, but I do and I think I will always have them. I just have to keep learning to live with them. I've learned to push everything to the back of my mind... And just keep all this shit to myself... So guess it's on me. I dunno I know this is all fucked up but this is what goes on in my fucked up mind. Sometimes I just don't know how to process all this bullshit. I have two reasons I'm still here... My daughter and my wife, and I still feel I don't deserve them. But whatever it is what it is... I know I'm not the only one who has these thoughts...

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