Tired, and frustrated at 4:18am

There are so many times that I want to sit down and write what i'm feeling and what is going through my mind, but I alway end up not writing because I hate the thoughts and the feelings that come with writing. A lot of the times, it is just easier to push it all to the back of my head and the back of my heart. I mean hell, I have done it for 7 years, why not keep doing it. I still struggle everyday with thoughts of not being good enough, not deserving everything that I have, and just not deserving my life. I guess I'm learning to kinda deal with it and work through all the depression and anxiety,( with the help of two psychiatrists). But sometimes it just gets to the point where I just don't want to fight it anymore! I mean fuck! It is so frustrating! I know my Wife and kids deserve so much more, they deserve someone who is all there... and i just feel like half the time i'm not even here, i don't give them all of me which they deserve. I just can't give it to them.

I know that I have so much to live for... but that doesn't stop the thoughts of just ending everything because I'm so sick of taking all these pills everyday for depression, and anxiety! I'm sick of fighting the depression and the numbness. I'm not saying I am going to kill myself, but I'm saying I know why Soliders do end up doing it! I know the empty feeling. I know the feeling of being worthless. Its tiring having to put up a front everyday and act like everything is fine, but I have to because its the right thing to do.

Handling deployments... after the Army

I've been out of the Army for like 6 years now. Since then I have friends who have deployed 3 or 4 more times, and I can't help but feel like I should be going with them. It never fails... when I hear of my Brothers leaving again to go back to war... it hits me so hard.

The other night, we had a get together with a bunch of friends... and as usual... I end up in a deep conversation with the two guys I was deployed with. It seems like it always happens and we alway end up talking about war, and our deployment specifically. I can honestly say that I have a bond with these guys that will last a lifetime, because of the shit we have seen and the shit we have been through together. We even discussed the fact that the guys we were with during the first deployment in 2003 have a bond stronger than any other deployment because the deployments now are so different. Im not going to get into all of that.

Once again here I am... one of my closest friends is leaving on Sunday... not only is he deploying to Afghanistan... but he is deploying about a month before his daughter is due. I mean wtf. If it isn't fucked up enough that he has to leave his son and wife again... he is going to iss the birth of his daughter. I remember the day my daughter was born... it was one of the greatest... most happiest days of my life and he is going to miss it. And its not just hard on him... I cant even imagine what his wife is going through. I mean being prego is stressful enough, but being prego and having your husband shipped off to war... its a good thing she is such a strong woman and has such a close supportive family.

I just had some thoughts running through my mind and I had to write them... thanks for listening.

My reasons for living...

Although I have so much trouble dealing with all my issues I know that I do have reasons to be thankful. When I deployed, I was single, and didn't really have a care in the world. I was actually looking forward to finally going to war after all the waiting and anticipation. I cant help but think about all the deployed military that have families they have to leave. I just dont know how they do it! I mean the bond... the closeness I have with my Wife and Daughter... I just I dont how I could ever leave them. I know I have talked about ending my own life a lot, and I have THOUGHT about it. I dont think I could ever actually do it, and the two reasons are my Wife and my Daughter. When I do get into the dark places... and the depression takes over... I know that these two girls will always be here to pull me out. To not be able to see them for a year... I just dont know if I could do it. I mean the PTSD must come out 10 times as worse if you deploy and you have a family.

The bond I have with my daughter is so special. She is definitely Daddy's little girl. Yes, she does have me wrapped around her finger. When I am feeling depressed and worthless, one smile from her or one " I Love you Daddy!" Makes me realize that I do have a reason to live and work through this PTSD shit, and all the depression and all the anxiety.

When I am out and about... at the store or at the mall... I STILL feel like I don't feel like I belong at all. I don't know if it is the fact that I don't think I am good enough, or if I just still feel like I didn't deserve to come back... but I do know that I have reasons to keep fighting and keep getting help...

Suicide

Suicide among soldier suffering from PTSD is a real thing... it happens way too often. I know that it is real because I have been in a spot where I have considered it... and I have come close. I have been to the rock bottom and it is a lonely feeling. Sometimes dealing with the depression and the anxiety is just too much. It is so exhausting to try to deal with it and hold it all in so you dont bother you loved ones with all your problems. I held them in for 5 years. I put on a front like everything was ok when inside... it was killing me... I was hurting so much. It isnt easy talking to just anyone about what we did and what we saw out there. Just wanted to write a quick blog while this was on my mind.

Lost and Undeserving

To say I don't belong is an understatement. I just feel like a stranger in my life. I dont feel comfortable around my loved ones. It has nothing to do with them but has everything to do with me. A lot of the time I just feel so alone. I feel like all the things I have... a beautiful wife... a beautiful daughter... a loving family... I don't deserve any of this. And I know that feeling sorry for myself isn't going to solve anything and it isn't even that I really feel sorry for myself its that I really feel like after some of the things that I have seen, and done... I feel like I don't deserve everything that I have. I have the hardest time sleeping because I always have so much on my mind, I can't calm my mind down.

My anxiety is a whole other thing. I am so paranoid when I am out of the house it isn't even funny. I always feel like there is someone out there to try and get me or my family so I have to study everyone around me and I am suspicious of EVERYBODY. So how do I solve this problem? I just stay in as much as possible. What the fuck is wrong with me... I mean how hard is it to get over this stupid shit... it so damn frustrating. This is why the thought of ending it all always seems like the best answer.

Sleepless nights... crazy thoughts...

Laying in bed... thoughts racing through my mind... I just wish I could clear my mind and just sleep. When I dont have things to think about... when I am not worrying about bills... or where the money is gonna come from... I dunno I just default to my year in Iraq... its like I can remember every single day there like it was yesterday. And I guess my mind just goes to whats familiar. I cant remember all these years at home very well... it all seems like a blur. Its frustrating sometimes because I feel like I am missing my life. And I know I have so much to be thankful for. And the only reason I am still here today is because I realize I do have reasons to live. But it doesn't stop me from having these thoughts. I mean it seems like the easy way out away from all the depression and anxiety... all the pills and all the psychiatrists. It is just so much to handle and have to deal with. It may sound like I am whining... but fuck... if I could explain the thoughts that I have... the dreams that I have when I do fall asleep...I just dont want to bother people with my problems... I just feel like i need to keep it all in and to myself. I feel like sometimes I just need and deserve to be all alone.

Another sleepless night of confusion

To say I feel like I don't belong is an understatement. I am constantly asking myself why I am still here... Why I made it back. I just have a feeling that I don't belong... I feel that way especially with my family... Not just my wife and daughter, but my parents my sister, cousins, aunts and uncles. It just doesn't seem like it use to be before Iraq. I just don't feel like I belong. I feel like a stranger in my own life. The thought of death is constantly in my head and it is always so tempting. I don't think I could kill myself because it is the cowardly thing to do, but the honorable thing to do... An honorable death would be to get killed in war, defending our country, dying for a reason. I don't know why I have these thoughts, but I do and I think I will always have them. I just have to keep learning to live with them. I've learned to push everything to the back of my mind... And just keep all this shit to myself... So guess it's on me. I dunno I know this is all fucked up but this is what goes on in my fucked up mind. Sometimes I just don't know how to process all this bullshit. I have two reasons I'm still here... My daughter and my wife, and I still feel I don't deserve them. But whatever it is what it is... I know I'm not the only one who has these thoughts...

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