So Confused

Lately life has been really rough. I'm more depressed than ever, and it seems like there is no solution. My problems are a huge burden on my marraige, and I know its not my wifes fault because she has done nothing but support me. Its all on me, and I know I have to get myself under control, or it will cost my marraige. I just don't know what else to do! I tried practically all the pills, i've tried a bunch of psychologists, i'm seeing a psychiatrist who changes or ups my meds every time I see him. Somtimes, I just feel so empty... souless even. I am so lost in my depression and anxiety I don't know what to do next. I know I have two reasons to keep fighting, my wife and my baby girl. That probably the only reason I am still here today. I have hit rock bottom, yet I feel like I am sinking lower. God got me through a year in Iraq, and I know he can get me out of this. I ask him everyday to help and guide me. It's just so hard!I try to stay positive... and I am constantly putting up a front like I am ok and happy, because my problems are my problems. I need to be a man and deal with it. Easier said than done. I can't even go out because of my anxiety... I get so nervous and worried. I feel like I am rubbing off on my daughter cause she always wants to be home. And that kills me, she should be out playing and doing things a three year old should be doing. And now it is being dicussed that I move to Cali without my family for a while to kinda get a change of scenery, but what kind of father would I be? Anyways, thats just whats on my mind right now... I'm so confused and I don't know how to handle all this.

Another older post...

I sit here its 3am... another sleepless night. I have way too many things on my mind. I feel like I dont belong. The civilian world isnt what I thought it would be like. The war has just drained me. I sit in class in the very back corner so I can see all the peole in the class just because my anxiety gets to me. Sounds of firefights, mortars and IED's still ring clearly in my ears. I still remember cleaning the blood of enemies out of the back of Bradley's with paper towels and bottles of water, because we didn't have running water. I have seen so many dead bodies... It didn't even bother me. Most of them were the enemy... some were not. 5 years later I still have nightmares and flashbacks of these horrific things. It eats away at my mind. I am just now learing how to talk about it... well actually write about it. The only people I really feel comfortable around are the people I went over there with, for the simple fact that they were there watching my back when we were in firefights.

James Pritle was a friend. He died Oct 4th 2003. I will never forget that day. When word got hout that a bradley had been hit, we emptied the camp to get the guys who were responsible, there were seven of them and they all paid. The part that still breaks my heart every single day... especially now that I am a father... Is his wife was pregnant with thier daughter. Katie never got to meet her Daddy. I know he wasnt the only one.. he was just one I knew personally. There are 4000+ other Americans who gave the ultimate sacrifice for their country. I thank God everyday for bringing me back alive so I could be a father. I love my daughter more than anything in this world. She is my everything.

I hear people complain about petty shit. And it makes me soooo angry. I guess I get irritated a lot easier. But one thing I wouldn't do is wish my experience on anyone. On the other hand... If I didn't have a wife and daughter you bet your ass I would be over there again to be with my friends who are going over there for thier third time!

I can't help but feel like I should be over there with my friends. I mean they have made it through 2 deployments already... and I wish I could be there to make sure they came home from this one. All I can do is pray for their safety and hope this is thier last time.

The things I go through to get through a day really exhaust me. My anxiety effects where I go, and where I can stay or how long I can stay in a place. I used to be such an outgoing people person. Now I would really rather just stay at home. If I get around too many people, I get really uncomfortable. I know Kaylie pays for it cause we never go out. And I try sometimes to go out for her and ill make it through the night, but it ill just keep my feelings bottled up inside.

My depression is a whole nother issue... I get into this deep depressions now and then when I just feel so down and so sad, and I really dont have any reason to be. A lot of times it brings me to tears, and I just cant help it. I dont like people to see me like that so again, I bottle it all up until it eventually builds up so much that I break down.

I am taking medicine for all this. The VA has me on all kinds of medicine. I dont know if they help but I take them. They just keep upping them and upping them. Dont really see an end to that.

Well sorry for babbling on about all this...just needed to get it off my chest... AGAIN.

Last night

Last night I hit rock bottom. I took a bunch of pills and drank a whole lot of alcohol. I was acting dumb... I was depressed, I was mad, I felt worthless and helpless. I was so messed up that I really didn't know what I was doing. I was pissed off one minute, the next minute I was crying. The pills and the alcohol made me act and feel like a person I never thought I could become. I hurt people... especially my wife. She was hurt and dissappointed in me and was very close to leaving. I know I need help, I need to learn how to deal with my emotions and the thoughts that go through my head. I need proffesional help...really bad. As of today I stopped drinking, because it can only cause trouble, it does no good for me. I just want to be the father and husband that my wife and daughter deserve. So far I feel like I am failing. But hopefully with professional help, and a lot of support from my family and friends I can pull through this hard time in my life.

Worthlessness

I don't know why, but some days I just feel so worthless. I don't know why I feel like this. I can't explain my feelings to anyone, its too hard for me to do it without breaking down and crying. I feel like I get in these moods, in these deep depressions because I don't feel like anyone understands me. I just totally break down and want to block everyone and everything out. I just feel like no one will understand why I am like this. Guess I have to learn to deal with this...

We will never forget!

Sometimes I feel like a lot of people have forgot about this war, and all the thousands of troops we still have over seas. I was In Iraq for a year, I know how it is. I know how it feels to lose friends over there and have to continue the mission. I have met wives and children who have lost their husband, and Mother's and Fathers's who have lost their son or daughter. I than God, for bringing me back safe to my family so I could live a full life. We can't forget all the soldiers who gave thier lives and paid the ultimate sacrafice for this country. Also the ones who made it back but suffer physically and mentally. We need to support our troops past and present

9/11

The whole reason I joined the Army. I can remember sittting there glued to the TV in disbelief. I can remember tears running down my face, feeling sad for all the people that were lost, but so much anger for the people who cause it. All we can do is remember all the innocent people who lost thier lives and all the Heros who lost thier lives trying to help them. Also, you have to remember all the Heros who have lost their lives, the ones who have fought, come back and still suffer, and expecially all the ones that continue to fight thousands and thousands of miles away from thier friends and family.

"We will never forget"

So I saw the phyciatrist today...

So today I had my usual appointment... again, all the VA does is ask the same questions... how are you feeling, have you had any suicidal thoughts, how is the depression, how is the anxiety... same ol shit diffrent day. They didn't change my meds at all, they just added another one to help with the depression. All I can do is take it to help with my mental health, nothing else works... therapy, support groups... all crap. People tell me not to give in to the depression, and not to let the anxiety control my life... IT"S NOT THAT EASY!!!!! I dont choose to be like this, I used to be a happy go lucky , life of the party people person, now, I can't stand being out in any type of crowd... or even leaving the house. But I dont expect everyone to understand, because I know it's not normal. But what can you do besides roll with the punches and try to move on...

Out of pills...

So I had been doing well with my sleep schedule, even without the pills for a while... now I am out of pills, and I didnt actually fall asleep till 8 am this morning. That was pretty shitty, but what can I do. The worst part about it, is that when I am up that long, I have so much time to think about things, and thats when my mind starts messing with me. Sometimes I feel like i'm going crazy...