My reasons for living...

Although I have so much trouble dealing with all my issues I know that I do have reasons to be thankful. When I deployed, I was single, and didn't really have a care in the world. I was actually looking forward to finally going to war after all the waiting and anticipation. I cant help but think about all the deployed military that have families they have to leave. I just dont know how they do it! I mean the bond... the closeness I have with my Wife and Daughter... I just I dont how I could ever leave them. I know I have talked about ending my own life a lot, and I have THOUGHT about it. I dont think I could ever actually do it, and the two reasons are my Wife and my Daughter. When I do get into the dark places... and the depression takes over... I know that these two girls will always be here to pull me out. To not be able to see them for a year... I just dont know if I could do it. I mean the PTSD must come out 10 times as worse if you deploy and you have a family.

The bond I have with my daughter is so special. She is definitely Daddy's little girl. Yes, she does have me wrapped around her finger. When I am feeling depressed and worthless, one smile from her or one " I Love you Daddy!" Makes me realize that I do have a reason to live and work through this PTSD shit, and all the depression and all the anxiety.

When I am out and about... at the store or at the mall... I STILL feel like I don't feel like I belong at all. I don't know if it is the fact that I don't think I am good enough, or if I just still feel like I didn't deserve to come back... but I do know that I have reasons to keep fighting and keep getting help...