Lost and Undeserving

To say I don't belong is an understatement. I just feel like a stranger in my life. I dont feel comfortable around my loved ones. It has nothing to do with them but has everything to do with me. A lot of the time I just feel so alone. I feel like all the things I have... a beautiful wife... a beautiful daughter... a loving family... I don't deserve any of this. And I know that feeling sorry for myself isn't going to solve anything and it isn't even that I really feel sorry for myself its that I really feel like after some of the things that I have seen, and done... I feel like I don't deserve everything that I have. I have the hardest time sleeping because I always have so much on my mind, I can't calm my mind down.

My anxiety is a whole other thing. I am so paranoid when I am out of the house it isn't even funny. I always feel like there is someone out there to try and get me or my family so I have to study everyone around me and I am suspicious of EVERYBODY. So how do I solve this problem? I just stay in as much as possible. What the fuck is wrong with me... I mean how hard is it to get over this stupid shit... it so damn frustrating. This is why the thought of ending it all always seems like the best answer.