Tired, and frustrated at 4:18am

There are so many times that I want to sit down and write what i'm feeling and what is going through my mind, but I alway end up not writing because I hate the thoughts and the feelings that come with writing. A lot of the times, it is just easier to push it all to the back of my head and the back of my heart. I mean hell, I have done it for 7 years, why not keep doing it. I still struggle everyday with thoughts of not being good enough, not deserving everything that I have, and just not deserving my life. I guess I'm learning to kinda deal with it and work through all the depression and anxiety,( with the help of two psychiatrists). But sometimes it just gets to the point where I just don't want to fight it anymore! I mean fuck! It is so frustrating! I know my Wife and kids deserve so much more, they deserve someone who is all there... and i just feel like half the time i'm not even here, i don't give them all of me which they deserve. I just can't give it to them.

I know that I have so much to live for... but that doesn't stop the thoughts of just ending everything because I'm so sick of taking all these pills everyday for depression, and anxiety! I'm sick of fighting the depression and the numbness. I'm not saying I am going to kill myself, but I'm saying I know why Soliders do end up doing it! I know the empty feeling. I know the feeling of being worthless. Its tiring having to put up a front everyday and act like everything is fine, but I have to because its the right thing to do.