Laying here awake

So when I am laying in bed, another sleepless night, I have so many thoughts running through my head. A lot of the time, I just wonder why I am still here, why did I come back safely, when thousands of others didn't. The two main reasons I believe I have a place on this earth are my wife and my daughter. If it weren't for them, I would have no reason. No reason to fight through the depression, to fight through the anxiety. But sometimes, iI am just so exhausted from putting on a front, or just trying to control them and not let them control me. For the five years that I have been back, 3-4 of them were spent pushing all this depresion and anxiety aside. And it just kept building and building, and now it is all just coming back. I miss being the person I used to be. And I know all my friends, and family probably do too. I mean the thing that me happiest, is spending time with my wife and daughter. They are my everything, and I really do believe if I didn't have them, the depression and anxiety would have cost my life. But I wouldn't do that, I have had thoughts, no elaborate plans or anything, but even now, when I am really depressed, I just wonder if it would just be easier to just not have to deal with it anymore. It is so hard for me to express these feelings verbally, and when people want me to tell them what is going through my mind, and what I am feeling, its aggrivating. Unless you have been there, you will never understand. The thing I saw, the things I had to do... i don't know... just shitty. A lot of days, I'll sit in my room blinds closed and just cry... why, just cause i feel like i need to release all these pent up feelings that I keep inside. That is the point where I feel most alone. Eveyone tells me I need to get out of the house, but you know what, I don't want to, because I feel safe in my house. Fuck, sometimes it is so frustrating.

I know I have a very loving family, my parents, sister, my in laws, all my cousins, aunts, uncles and friends...

I just don't want to dissappoint anyone