One thing that kills me is when people tell me to just not let this whole PTSD thing control me. I didn't ask for it, if it was that easy to just put it aside or just ignore it, I wouldn't be in the situation I am in. It fucking sucks! Not being able to go out, do things with my family, be around people. I used to be such a people person, I loved to be the center of attention, now, you could probably find me in the corner so I can see everybody, and not have anyone behind me. Or i'll be at home, where I feel safe. And the depression is just so powerful... its so hard to get out of, the feeling of worthlessness, the just all around sadness, it is so hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just break down, and cry, not even knowing the reason I am crying. I just sit in my room in the dark and cry. I feel like I have all these feelings and memories built up inside that I ust have to release somehow. And I hate for my family to see me like this. So a lot of the time I put up a front, like everything is ok. I have to be strong for them, i've always been strong. They can't see me cry, I can't be weak, at least I can't let people know I am weak.
My wife and daughter are everything to me. Probably the only reason I am still alive right now. But this depression and anxiety is making my marraige really rocky. It must be so exhausting for my wife to deal with all my moods, and me not working, especially while she works her ass off. If anything... I am gonna try to get better for these two girls.
