Sleepless nights... crazy thoughts...

Laying in bed... thoughts racing through my mind... I just wish I could clear my mind and just sleep. When I dont have things to think about... when I am not worrying about bills... or where the money is gonna come from... I dunno I just default to my year in Iraq... its like I can remember every single day there like it was yesterday. And I guess my mind just goes to whats familiar. I cant remember all these years at home very well... it all seems like a blur. Its frustrating sometimes because I feel like I am missing my life. And I know I have so much to be thankful for. And the only reason I am still here today is because I realize I do have reasons to live. But it doesn't stop me from having these thoughts. I mean it seems like the easy way out away from all the depression and anxiety... all the pills and all the psychiatrists. It is just so much to handle and have to deal with. It may sound like I am whining... but fuck... if I could explain the thoughts that I have... the dreams that I have when I do fall asleep...I just dont want to bother people with my problems... I just feel like i need to keep it all in and to myself. I feel like sometimes I just need and deserve to be all alone.