I sit here its 3am... another sleepless night. I have way too many things on my mind. I feel like I dont belong. The civilian world isnt what I thought it would be like. The war has just drained me. I sit in class in the very back corner so I can see all the peole in the class just because my anxiety gets to me. Sounds of firefights, mortars and IED's still ring clearly in my ears. I still remember cleaning the blood of enemies out of the back of Bradley's with paper towels and bottles of water, because we didn't have running water. I have seen so many dead bodies... It didn't even bother me. Most of them were the enemy... some were not. 5 years later I still have nightmares and flashbacks of these horrific things. It eats away at my mind. I am just now learing how to talk about it... well actually write about it. The only people I really feel comfortable around are the people I went over there with, for the simple fact that they were there watching my back when we were in firefights.
James Pritle was a friend. He died Oct 4th 2003. I will never forget that day. When word got hout that a bradley had been hit, we emptied the camp to get the guys who were responsible, there were seven of them and they all paid. The part that still breaks my heart every single day... especially now that I am a father... Is his wife was pregnant with thier daughter. Katie never got to meet her Daddy. I know he wasnt the only one.. he was just one I knew personally. There are 4000+ other Americans who gave the ultimate sacrifice for their country. I thank God everyday for bringing me back alive so I could be a father. I love my daughter more than anything in this world. She is my everything.
I hear people complain about petty shit. And it makes me soooo angry. I guess I get irritated a lot easier. But one thing I wouldn't do is wish my experience on anyone. On the other hand... If I didn't have a wife and daughter you bet your ass I would be over there again to be with my friends who are going over there for thier third time!
I can't help but feel like I should be over there with my friends. I mean they have made it through 2 deployments already... and I wish I could be there to make sure they came home from this one. All I can do is pray for their safety and hope this is thier last time.
The things I go through to get through a day really exhaust me. My anxiety effects where I go, and where I can stay or how long I can stay in a place. I used to be such an outgoing people person. Now I would really rather just stay at home. If I get around too many people, I get really uncomfortable. I know Kaylie pays for it cause we never go out. And I try sometimes to go out for her and ill make it through the night, but it ill just keep my feelings bottled up inside.
My depression is a whole nother issue... I get into this deep depressions now and then when I just feel so down and so sad, and I really dont have any reason to be. A lot of times it brings me to tears, and I just cant help it. I dont like people to see me like that so again, I bottle it all up until it eventually builds up so much that I break down.
I am taking medicine for all this. The VA has me on all kinds of medicine. I dont know if they help but I take them. They just keep upping them and upping them. Dont really see an end to that.
Well sorry for babbling on about all this...just needed to get it off my chest... AGAIN.
