Recently, I have had a couple of friends die. I do not deal with death very well. The thing that bothers me so much is that they were both my age. This past weekend, a long time family friend Sean took his own life. It hit so close to home not only because I have know him for so long, but because he was going through the same thing ( depression and anxiety) that I am going through. I have been to that dark place where I have wanted to take my own life. I know if it weren't for Jasmine and Kaylie, I probably would have. I know it sounds selfish... I know it would have upset my family, but what a lot of people don't understand is that when you are in that place... you feel like you are helping your loved ones... and you feel like you are just done trying to deal with everything. Its like you know what... FUCK THE WORLD. Learning to deal and live with this depression and anxiety sucks!!!! I mean feeling worthless... feeling like you don't belong... even when you are around your own family, I mean how are you supposed to learn to deal with that? I guarantee if I didn't have Jasmine and Kaylie... I would have taken my own life a long time ago. Everyday I have to take my meds and try... try really hard to not get consumed with the depression and the anxiety. I can't help feeling like the only place I am really safe is at home. I HATE going out... I HATE going to places with a lot of people... I HATE feeling like I always have to be on edge... and always feeling like I need to be ready to protect myself... wether its at the mall or the supermarket... or at a bar... anywhere really.
When I do have thoughts of ending my life... its mainly because I feel like all the problems that I have are such a burden to all my friends and family that the world would just be a better place without me. Even with all these people assuring me that it isn't I cant help but feel like it is. Death is not something that I am afraid of... I know everyone has to die at sometime. And I know what it is like to be in that dark place that caused Sean to take his own life. Fuck.... I don't even know what else to say...
RIP SEAN GAGE
RIP JONAS TERVYDIS
