War...

War is like a drug. Actually... the firefights, and the threat of being fired upon... that is the drug. Its a high like no other. When you get used to feeling that way, for a year straight, and then you come home, you want... no you need that feeling again. I guess that is why I like to watch war movies. Wether they are about the Iraq War, or WW1 or even WW2, I still get a taste of that feeling. Not enough to satisfy, just a taste. It makes me want more. My heart starts racing... my palms get sweaty... I want to be there... I want more... I want that feeling. You may think I am crazy... but I don't think you could understand unless you have been there. Just a little food for thought...

Its been awhile...

Just thought I would give everyone an update... things are still pretty tough. I am still learning to live and deal with all these mental problems I have. I hate the fact that I can't stand to be around people including friends and family without feeling super uncomfortable and just wanting to get away... get back to my room, my safe haven. Don't ask me why I feel safe there, I just do. Maybe because it is dark... maybe because it is quiet... I couldn't tell you. I still get depressed, but I try not to let my friends and family know... because that isn't the person they knew or know. I know keeping it in isn't good, and I know it isn't gonna get better, but i do what I have to do, and that is why I see my Psychologist weekly. We are working on it, and she is great. In the past few years I have seen many different Psychologists, Psychiatrists, and she is the only one that I actually feel comfotable with and really understands where I am coming from. So that is a good thing. Anyways, just thought I would give you all an update because it has been awhile... until next time...

"ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME"

The things I have seen... the things I have done... and how these things burden me to this day, how they make me question my character and my self worth. I just need to get it in my head that what I think and what other people think really doesnt matter, because ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME. When my time comes, he will judge me on what I have done and seen in my lifetime. I have so much trouble expressing the feeling I have and when it is all bottled up, that is what leads me to depression. And that is when I question why I am still here. I still feel like people don't understand what I am going through. I know my friends and family care, but it is very frustrating when people tell me that I just need to be strong and work through this. It is so much more and so hard to try to even deal with all this. My emotions and my thoughts overflow my head to the point where I just want to shut down and shut everyone out... which is exactly what I do. I am gonna get this quote tattooed on me... where I can see it everyday... where it can remind me that I dont need to worry about everyone else... or even myself... because " Only God Can Judge Me"

Awake... and failing...

I don't know what it is... I just feel like I am failing... as a person, as a father, and especially as a husband. I know that my wife and daughter deserve so much more than I am giving. I want to give them the world... but I know I can't. I feel like I am not even coming close. What am I doing here... I have so much to live for, yet... I feel like I am not living. The depression... it just overwhelms me! And it really doesn't help when people who really don't understand what is going on try to tell me it is going to be ok, and I need to be strong and fight through it and move on with my life. It's like WTF! I mean if it was really that easy don't you think I would move on.... and live a normal life? I mean FUCK! Its so frustrating, sometimes I just want to scream! Sometimes, I just want to sit alone in a dark room and cry... but I am to the point where I don't like to show my emaotions because then people start worrying about me. My daughter and wife deserve so much more... so much better. Just had to get that off my chest thanks all for listening...

EMDR Therapy

Well, I start my EMDR Therapy tomorrow, can't sleep right now cause I am kinda nervous. I know it is probably gonna help, because it has had a history of high success rate, but my therapist told me that is gonna get worse before it gets better. She said I would have to go back to the hardest things... the things that bother me the most, and I may get really depressed and emotional, but that is part of it. That really scares me! The thoughts that go through my head are still so vivid even though it all happened over 5 years ago. Anyways... wish me luck!

Laying here awake

So when I am laying in bed, another sleepless night, I have so many thoughts running through my head. A lot of the time, I just wonder why I am still here, why did I come back safely, when thousands of others didn't. The two main reasons I believe I have a place on this earth are my wife and my daughter. If it weren't for them, I would have no reason. No reason to fight through the depression, to fight through the anxiety. But sometimes, iI am just so exhausted from putting on a front, or just trying to control them and not let them control me. For the five years that I have been back, 3-4 of them were spent pushing all this depresion and anxiety aside. And it just kept building and building, and now it is all just coming back. I miss being the person I used to be. And I know all my friends, and family probably do too. I mean the thing that me happiest, is spending time with my wife and daughter. They are my everything, and I really do believe if I didn't have them, the depression and anxiety would have cost my life. But I wouldn't do that, I have had thoughts, no elaborate plans or anything, but even now, when I am really depressed, I just wonder if it would just be easier to just not have to deal with it anymore. It is so hard for me to express these feelings verbally, and when people want me to tell them what is going through my mind, and what I am feeling, its aggrivating. Unless you have been there, you will never understand. The thing I saw, the things I had to do... i don't know... just shitty. A lot of days, I'll sit in my room blinds closed and just cry... why, just cause i feel like i need to release all these pent up feelings that I keep inside. That is the point where I feel most alone. Eveyone tells me I need to get out of the house, but you know what, I don't want to, because I feel safe in my house. Fuck, sometimes it is so frustrating.

I know I have a very loving family, my parents, sister, my in laws, all my cousins, aunts, uncles and friends...

I just don't want to dissappoint anyone

Update

So things are better between me and Kaylie. We are working it out slowly but surely. Its pretty rough right now affording to live. I still don't have a job, and I haven't had one in TWO years! It sucks! We are so tight on money that its just another thing on my mind to stress about. I am seeing a civilian therapist( who I have to pay out of pocket for), who is by far the best I have seen, VA or civilian. And I am gonna try EMDR therapy in November, and it is supposed to have a high success rate, but it is still gonna take a lot of work.

One thing that kills me is when people tell me to just not let this whole PTSD thing control me. I didn't ask for it, if it was that easy to just put it aside or just ignore it, I wouldn't be in the situation I am in. It fucking sucks! Not being able to go out, do things with my family, be around people. I used to be such a people person, I loved to be the center of attention, now, you could probably find me in the corner so I can see everybody, and not have anyone behind me. Or i'll be at home, where I feel safe. And the depression is just so powerful... its so hard to get out of, the feeling of worthlessness, the just all around sadness, it is so hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just break down, and cry, not even knowing the reason I am crying. I just sit in my room in the dark and cry. I feel like I have all these feelings and memories built up inside that I ust have to release somehow. And I hate for my family to see me like this. So a lot of the time I put up a front, like everything is ok. I have to be strong for them, i've always been strong. They can't see me cry, I can't be weak, at least I can't let people know I am weak.

My wife and daughter are everything to me. Probably the only reason I am still alive right now. But this depression and anxiety is making my marraige really rocky. It must be so exhausting for my wife to deal with all my moods, and me not working, especially while she works her ass off. If anything... I am gonna try to get better for these two girls.