Handling deployments... after the Army

I've been out of the Army for like 6 years now. Since then I have friends who have deployed 3 or 4 more times, and I can't help but feel like I should be going with them. It never fails... when I hear of my Brothers leaving again to go back to war... it hits me so hard.

The other night, we had a get together with a bunch of friends... and as usual... I end up in a deep conversation with the two guys I was deployed with. It seems like it always happens and we alway end up talking about war, and our deployment specifically. I can honestly say that I have a bond with these guys that will last a lifetime, because of the shit we have seen and the shit we have been through together. We even discussed the fact that the guys we were with during the first deployment in 2003 have a bond stronger than any other deployment because the deployments now are so different. Im not going to get into all of that.

Once again here I am... one of my closest friends is leaving on Sunday... not only is he deploying to Afghanistan... but he is deploying about a month before his daughter is due. I mean wtf. If it isn't fucked up enough that he has to leave his son and wife again... he is going to iss the birth of his daughter. I remember the day my daughter was born... it was one of the greatest... most happiest days of my life and he is going to miss it. And its not just hard on him... I cant even imagine what his wife is going through. I mean being prego is stressful enough, but being prego and having your husband shipped off to war... its a good thing she is such a strong woman and has such a close supportive family.

I just had some thoughts running through my mind and I had to write them... thanks for listening.

My reasons for living...

Although I have so much trouble dealing with all my issues I know that I do have reasons to be thankful. When I deployed, I was single, and didn't really have a care in the world. I was actually looking forward to finally going to war after all the waiting and anticipation. I cant help but think about all the deployed military that have families they have to leave. I just dont know how they do it! I mean the bond... the closeness I have with my Wife and Daughter... I just I dont how I could ever leave them. I know I have talked about ending my own life a lot, and I have THOUGHT about it. I dont think I could ever actually do it, and the two reasons are my Wife and my Daughter. When I do get into the dark places... and the depression takes over... I know that these two girls will always be here to pull me out. To not be able to see them for a year... I just dont know if I could do it. I mean the PTSD must come out 10 times as worse if you deploy and you have a family.

The bond I have with my daughter is so special. She is definitely Daddy's little girl. Yes, she does have me wrapped around her finger. When I am feeling depressed and worthless, one smile from her or one " I Love you Daddy!" Makes me realize that I do have a reason to live and work through this PTSD shit, and all the depression and all the anxiety.

When I am out and about... at the store or at the mall... I STILL feel like I don't feel like I belong at all. I don't know if it is the fact that I don't think I am good enough, or if I just still feel like I didn't deserve to come back... but I do know that I have reasons to keep fighting and keep getting help...

Suicide

Suicide among soldier suffering from PTSD is a real thing... it happens way too often. I know that it is real because I have been in a spot where I have considered it... and I have come close. I have been to the rock bottom and it is a lonely feeling. Sometimes dealing with the depression and the anxiety is just too much. It is so exhausting to try to deal with it and hold it all in so you dont bother you loved ones with all your problems. I held them in for 5 years. I put on a front like everything was ok when inside... it was killing me... I was hurting so much. It isnt easy talking to just anyone about what we did and what we saw out there. Just wanted to write a quick blog while this was on my mind.

Lost and Undeserving

To say I don't belong is an understatement. I just feel like a stranger in my life. I dont feel comfortable around my loved ones. It has nothing to do with them but has everything to do with me. A lot of the time I just feel so alone. I feel like all the things I have... a beautiful wife... a beautiful daughter... a loving family... I don't deserve any of this. And I know that feeling sorry for myself isn't going to solve anything and it isn't even that I really feel sorry for myself its that I really feel like after some of the things that I have seen, and done... I feel like I don't deserve everything that I have. I have the hardest time sleeping because I always have so much on my mind, I can't calm my mind down.

My anxiety is a whole other thing. I am so paranoid when I am out of the house it isn't even funny. I always feel like there is someone out there to try and get me or my family so I have to study everyone around me and I am suspicious of EVERYBODY. So how do I solve this problem? I just stay in as much as possible. What the fuck is wrong with me... I mean how hard is it to get over this stupid shit... it so damn frustrating. This is why the thought of ending it all always seems like the best answer.

Sleepless nights... crazy thoughts...

Laying in bed... thoughts racing through my mind... I just wish I could clear my mind and just sleep. When I dont have things to think about... when I am not worrying about bills... or where the money is gonna come from... I dunno I just default to my year in Iraq... its like I can remember every single day there like it was yesterday. And I guess my mind just goes to whats familiar. I cant remember all these years at home very well... it all seems like a blur. Its frustrating sometimes because I feel like I am missing my life. And I know I have so much to be thankful for. And the only reason I am still here today is because I realize I do have reasons to live. But it doesn't stop me from having these thoughts. I mean it seems like the easy way out away from all the depression and anxiety... all the pills and all the psychiatrists. It is just so much to handle and have to deal with. It may sound like I am whining... but fuck... if I could explain the thoughts that I have... the dreams that I have when I do fall asleep...I just dont want to bother people with my problems... I just feel like i need to keep it all in and to myself. I feel like sometimes I just need and deserve to be all alone.

Another sleepless night of confusion

To say I feel like I don't belong is an understatement. I am constantly asking myself why I am still here... Why I made it back. I just have a feeling that I don't belong... I feel that way especially with my family... Not just my wife and daughter, but my parents my sister, cousins, aunts and uncles. It just doesn't seem like it use to be before Iraq. I just don't feel like I belong. I feel like a stranger in my own life. The thought of death is constantly in my head and it is always so tempting. I don't think I could kill myself because it is the cowardly thing to do, but the honorable thing to do... An honorable death would be to get killed in war, defending our country, dying for a reason. I don't know why I have these thoughts, but I do and I think I will always have them. I just have to keep learning to live with them. I've learned to push everything to the back of my mind... And just keep all this shit to myself... So guess it's on me. I dunno I know this is all fucked up but this is what goes on in my fucked up mind. Sometimes I just don't know how to process all this bullshit. I have two reasons I'm still here... My daughter and my wife, and I still feel I don't deserve them. But whatever it is what it is... I know I'm not the only one who has these thoughts...

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The War... Inside My Head

Six years after returning home from Iraq... I'm still not right. I didn't get shot or blown up... I DID get shot at... I DID have stuff blow up around me... did I kill somebody... well, thats between me and God. The thoughts and images that go through my head every single day make me feel like I am insane. All the meds I am on, all the psychiatrists I have to see to talk about all these things in my heart and my mind... nothing seems to like it is really helping. Nothing is gonna make the feeling and thoughts that went through my body when I was being shot at ever go away. And the feeling seeing friends of mine... fellow soldiers dead... or wounded... FUCK! That is what fucks with me the most.

The numbness that I worked so hard to keep up while in Iraq, still rules my body today. The war inside me is far from over. I am always asked ... would I go back... if you would have asked me that while I was out there, my answer would have been a simple FUCK NO! You ask me now... in my situation now...with a family... I probably shouldn't want to to... but strangely I think I would go back. The feeling you get in a firefight... the adrenaline is like a high. There is no other way to get back to that other than going back to war. I know it sounds stupid... I know it sounds crazy but if I didn't have a family... I would be back there in a second if I could. And I know that I am not alone in feeling this way. All my friends who were there with me feel the same way. Not cause we are patriotic... not for the money... but for the feeling of being in a war zone... for the feeling of being in combat.

Learning to live with things I did and things I saw... is something I am going to have to deal with. Six years later I still don't know how to control my thoughts and emotions. I can't go to over crowded places because I just dont feel safe. I study people whenever we are out wether its at the mall or at the supermarket because I feel like one of these times I think they are going to try to hurt me of my family.

It seems like America and its public has forgot about the wars, and all the soldiers that are currently over there and the ones who are back home... but are still fighting another war inside their heads. Im not talking about the families of the military... but the public in general. It may sound stupid... but when I hear people complaining about traffic... or complaining about a waiter getting their order wrong... it REALLY pisses me off. But I don't say or do anything... I keep it all to myself.

Keeping all my thoughts and emotions in for six years has really taken a toll on me. I am just now learning to trust people enough to talk about all the crap... but I don't know if I will ever be able to truly get all my thoughts and feelings out. For my sake and for the sake of my loved ones.

All military personnel come back changed. Divorce rate for military couples is high... alcohol and drug addiction is common with returning military because no one is really here to teach them how to deal with their issues. I mean you go to the VA and they give you drugs to help with depression and anxiety. They tell you they have groups to help if we want then they move on to the next person...

I feel like I am rambling so im gonna stop just need to get my thoughts in writing cause I don't really know what else to do...