"ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME"

The things I have seen... the things I have done... and how these things burden me to this day, how they make me question my character and my self worth. I just need to get it in my head that what I think and what other people think really doesnt matter, because ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME. When my time comes, he will judge me on what I have done and seen in my lifetime. I have so much trouble expressing the feeling I have and when it is all bottled up, that is what leads me to depression. And that is when I question why I am still here. I still feel like people don't understand what I am going through. I know my friends and family care, but it is very frustrating when people tell me that I just need to be strong and work through this. It is so much more and so hard to try to even deal with all this. My emotions and my thoughts overflow my head to the point where I just want to shut down and shut everyone out... which is exactly what I do. I am gonna get this quote tattooed on me... where I can see it everyday... where it can remind me that I dont need to worry about everyone else... or even myself... because " Only God Can Judge Me"

Awake... and failing...

I don't know what it is... I just feel like I am failing... as a person, as a father, and especially as a husband. I know that my wife and daughter deserve so much more than I am giving. I want to give them the world... but I know I can't. I feel like I am not even coming close. What am I doing here... I have so much to live for, yet... I feel like I am not living. The depression... it just overwhelms me! And it really doesn't help when people who really don't understand what is going on try to tell me it is going to be ok, and I need to be strong and fight through it and move on with my life. It's like WTF! I mean if it was really that easy don't you think I would move on.... and live a normal life? I mean FUCK! Its so frustrating, sometimes I just want to scream! Sometimes, I just want to sit alone in a dark room and cry... but I am to the point where I don't like to show my emaotions because then people start worrying about me. My daughter and wife deserve so much more... so much better. Just had to get that off my chest thanks all for listening...

EMDR Therapy

Well, I start my EMDR Therapy tomorrow, can't sleep right now cause I am kinda nervous. I know it is probably gonna help, because it has had a history of high success rate, but my therapist told me that is gonna get worse before it gets better. She said I would have to go back to the hardest things... the things that bother me the most, and I may get really depressed and emotional, but that is part of it. That really scares me! The thoughts that go through my head are still so vivid even though it all happened over 5 years ago. Anyways... wish me luck!

Laying here awake

So when I am laying in bed, another sleepless night, I have so many thoughts running through my head. A lot of the time, I just wonder why I am still here, why did I come back safely, when thousands of others didn't. The two main reasons I believe I have a place on this earth are my wife and my daughter. If it weren't for them, I would have no reason. No reason to fight through the depression, to fight through the anxiety. But sometimes, iI am just so exhausted from putting on a front, or just trying to control them and not let them control me. For the five years that I have been back, 3-4 of them were spent pushing all this depresion and anxiety aside. And it just kept building and building, and now it is all just coming back. I miss being the person I used to be. And I know all my friends, and family probably do too. I mean the thing that me happiest, is spending time with my wife and daughter. They are my everything, and I really do believe if I didn't have them, the depression and anxiety would have cost my life. But I wouldn't do that, I have had thoughts, no elaborate plans or anything, but even now, when I am really depressed, I just wonder if it would just be easier to just not have to deal with it anymore. It is so hard for me to express these feelings verbally, and when people want me to tell them what is going through my mind, and what I am feeling, its aggrivating. Unless you have been there, you will never understand. The thing I saw, the things I had to do... i don't know... just shitty. A lot of days, I'll sit in my room blinds closed and just cry... why, just cause i feel like i need to release all these pent up feelings that I keep inside. That is the point where I feel most alone. Eveyone tells me I need to get out of the house, but you know what, I don't want to, because I feel safe in my house. Fuck, sometimes it is so frustrating.

I know I have a very loving family, my parents, sister, my in laws, all my cousins, aunts, uncles and friends...

I just don't want to dissappoint anyone

Update

So things are better between me and Kaylie. We are working it out slowly but surely. Its pretty rough right now affording to live. I still don't have a job, and I haven't had one in TWO years! It sucks! We are so tight on money that its just another thing on my mind to stress about. I am seeing a civilian therapist( who I have to pay out of pocket for), who is by far the best I have seen, VA or civilian. And I am gonna try EMDR therapy in November, and it is supposed to have a high success rate, but it is still gonna take a lot of work.

One thing that kills me is when people tell me to just not let this whole PTSD thing control me. I didn't ask for it, if it was that easy to just put it aside or just ignore it, I wouldn't be in the situation I am in. It fucking sucks! Not being able to go out, do things with my family, be around people. I used to be such a people person, I loved to be the center of attention, now, you could probably find me in the corner so I can see everybody, and not have anyone behind me. Or i'll be at home, where I feel safe. And the depression is just so powerful... its so hard to get out of, the feeling of worthlessness, the just all around sadness, it is so hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just break down, and cry, not even knowing the reason I am crying. I just sit in my room in the dark and cry. I feel like I have all these feelings and memories built up inside that I ust have to release somehow. And I hate for my family to see me like this. So a lot of the time I put up a front, like everything is ok. I have to be strong for them, i've always been strong. They can't see me cry, I can't be weak, at least I can't let people know I am weak.

My wife and daughter are everything to me. Probably the only reason I am still alive right now. But this depression and anxiety is making my marraige really rocky. It must be so exhausting for my wife to deal with all my moods, and me not working, especially while she works her ass off. If anything... I am gonna try to get better for these two girls.

So Confused

Lately life has been really rough. I'm more depressed than ever, and it seems like there is no solution. My problems are a huge burden on my marraige, and I know its not my wifes fault because she has done nothing but support me. Its all on me, and I know I have to get myself under control, or it will cost my marraige. I just don't know what else to do! I tried practically all the pills, i've tried a bunch of psychologists, i'm seeing a psychiatrist who changes or ups my meds every time I see him. Somtimes, I just feel so empty... souless even. I am so lost in my depression and anxiety I don't know what to do next. I know I have two reasons to keep fighting, my wife and my baby girl. That probably the only reason I am still here today. I have hit rock bottom, yet I feel like I am sinking lower. God got me through a year in Iraq, and I know he can get me out of this. I ask him everyday to help and guide me. It's just so hard!I try to stay positive... and I am constantly putting up a front like I am ok and happy, because my problems are my problems. I need to be a man and deal with it. Easier said than done. I can't even go out because of my anxiety... I get so nervous and worried. I feel like I am rubbing off on my daughter cause she always wants to be home. And that kills me, she should be out playing and doing things a three year old should be doing. And now it is being dicussed that I move to Cali without my family for a while to kinda get a change of scenery, but what kind of father would I be? Anyways, thats just whats on my mind right now... I'm so confused and I don't know how to handle all this.

Another older post...

I sit here its 3am... another sleepless night. I have way too many things on my mind. I feel like I dont belong. The civilian world isnt what I thought it would be like. The war has just drained me. I sit in class in the very back corner so I can see all the peole in the class just because my anxiety gets to me. Sounds of firefights, mortars and IED's still ring clearly in my ears. I still remember cleaning the blood of enemies out of the back of Bradley's with paper towels and bottles of water, because we didn't have running water. I have seen so many dead bodies... It didn't even bother me. Most of them were the enemy... some were not. 5 years later I still have nightmares and flashbacks of these horrific things. It eats away at my mind. I am just now learing how to talk about it... well actually write about it. The only people I really feel comfortable around are the people I went over there with, for the simple fact that they were there watching my back when we were in firefights.

James Pritle was a friend. He died Oct 4th 2003. I will never forget that day. When word got hout that a bradley had been hit, we emptied the camp to get the guys who were responsible, there were seven of them and they all paid. The part that still breaks my heart every single day... especially now that I am a father... Is his wife was pregnant with thier daughter. Katie never got to meet her Daddy. I know he wasnt the only one.. he was just one I knew personally. There are 4000+ other Americans who gave the ultimate sacrifice for their country. I thank God everyday for bringing me back alive so I could be a father. I love my daughter more than anything in this world. She is my everything.

I hear people complain about petty shit. And it makes me soooo angry. I guess I get irritated a lot easier. But one thing I wouldn't do is wish my experience on anyone. On the other hand... If I didn't have a wife and daughter you bet your ass I would be over there again to be with my friends who are going over there for thier third time!

I can't help but feel like I should be over there with my friends. I mean they have made it through 2 deployments already... and I wish I could be there to make sure they came home from this one. All I can do is pray for their safety and hope this is thier last time.

The things I go through to get through a day really exhaust me. My anxiety effects where I go, and where I can stay or how long I can stay in a place. I used to be such an outgoing people person. Now I would really rather just stay at home. If I get around too many people, I get really uncomfortable. I know Kaylie pays for it cause we never go out. And I try sometimes to go out for her and ill make it through the night, but it ill just keep my feelings bottled up inside.

My depression is a whole nother issue... I get into this deep depressions now and then when I just feel so down and so sad, and I really dont have any reason to be. A lot of times it brings me to tears, and I just cant help it. I dont like people to see me like that so again, I bottle it all up until it eventually builds up so much that I break down.

I am taking medicine for all this. The VA has me on all kinds of medicine. I dont know if they help but I take them. They just keep upping them and upping them. Dont really see an end to that.

Well sorry for babbling on about all this...just needed to get it off my chest... AGAIN.