...

I have so many reasons to be happy. I have a beautiful wife, I have a beautiful daughter, I have a great house, I am able to pay all the bills... yet I still feel depressed. I still have so many issues inside me that bring me down. I feel like I am not giving my family all of me, and I am not able to give them all they deserve. I want to be a better husband and better father and better son and a better brother... but I feel like I am failing miserably. I want my parents to be proud of me and what I have done with my life, I want my wife to think I am a good husband, and father... and I feel like I am failing her because I am not all there. I feel like working on all my issues is getting more attention than working on making our marriage and our relationship better. I want to give my all into my family, yet I have so many stupid issues that are preventing me from doing that. Usually failing is not an option for me... but lately it seems like I am failing so miserably that I dont know what to do. What am I doing with my life... why do I deserve to be here if I cant even live my life to the fullest. People tell me to be strong... tell me to just get past all this... but you know what...it has been years... and it hasnt really got any better... and its hard to believe that it will get any better. Its not as easy as just thinking positive and getting over things... its just not that easy.

Friends and Family

So I have had time to let it kinda sink in that one of my childhood friends is gone. When I found out... it just hit me hard because I can relate to the feelings he was having. After I wrote the last blog... I got a lot of messages from friends... letting me know that everything is gonna be ok... and that people do care about me. I never doubted that... but I still feel like my problems are a burden to my friends and family. I mean having to hear about it all the time... not being able to handle doing things like going out or going shopping because I cant handle being around too many people. I mean if you were to put yourself in that position... where you just dont feel safe around other people... i think you would feel the same way.

A lot of times I sit here and just feel like I am alone. I feel like the walls are closing in and I am trapped. I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like it would just be easier for me to just go away. But... it happens... I do feel that way, and I am trying to learn how to deal with it. I know if I was to take my life I would hurt a lot of peole. But sometimes it just seems like it would solve a lot of things. I really dont know where to go from here... but all I can do is take it day by day... and if I do get to a place where I feel like I am better off just ending it all... i will reach out to my family and friends... and just hope to be reminded why I need to fight through this.

Dealing with Death

Recently, I have had a couple of friends die. I do not deal with death very well. The thing that bothers me so much is that they were both my age. This past weekend, a long time family friend Sean took his own life. It hit so close to home not only because I have know him for so long, but because he was going through the same thing ( depression and anxiety) that I am going through. I have been to that dark place where I have wanted to take my own life. I know if it weren't for Jasmine and Kaylie, I probably would have. I know it sounds selfish... I know it would have upset my family, but what a lot of people don't understand is that when you are in that place... you feel like you are helping your loved ones... and you feel like you are just done trying to deal with everything. Its like you know what... FUCK THE WORLD. Learning to deal and live with this depression and anxiety sucks!!!! I mean feeling worthless... feeling like you don't belong... even when you are around your own family, I mean how are you supposed to learn to deal with that? I guarantee if I didn't have Jasmine and Kaylie... I would have taken my own life a long time ago. Everyday I have to take my meds and try... try really hard to not get consumed with the depression and the anxiety. I can't help feeling like the only place I am really safe is at home. I HATE going out... I HATE going to places with a lot of people... I HATE feeling like I always have to be on edge... and always feeling like I need to be ready to protect myself... wether its at the mall or the supermarket... or at a bar... anywhere really.

When I do have thoughts of ending my life... its mainly because I feel like all the problems that I have are such a burden to all my friends and family that the world would just be a better place without me. Even with all these people assuring me that it isn't I cant help but feel like it is. Death is not something that I am afraid of... I know everyone has to die at sometime. And I know what it is like to be in that dark place that caused Sean to take his own life. Fuck.... I don't even know what else to say...

RIP SEAN GAGE

RIP JONAS TERVYDIS

War...

War is like a drug. Actually... the firefights, and the threat of being fired upon... that is the drug. Its a high like no other. When you get used to feeling that way, for a year straight, and then you come home, you want... no you need that feeling again. I guess that is why I like to watch war movies. Wether they are about the Iraq War, or WW1 or even WW2, I still get a taste of that feeling. Not enough to satisfy, just a taste. It makes me want more. My heart starts racing... my palms get sweaty... I want to be there... I want more... I want that feeling. You may think I am crazy... but I don't think you could understand unless you have been there. Just a little food for thought...

Its been awhile...

Just thought I would give everyone an update... things are still pretty tough. I am still learning to live and deal with all these mental problems I have. I hate the fact that I can't stand to be around people including friends and family without feeling super uncomfortable and just wanting to get away... get back to my room, my safe haven. Don't ask me why I feel safe there, I just do. Maybe because it is dark... maybe because it is quiet... I couldn't tell you. I still get depressed, but I try not to let my friends and family know... because that isn't the person they knew or know. I know keeping it in isn't good, and I know it isn't gonna get better, but i do what I have to do, and that is why I see my Psychologist weekly. We are working on it, and she is great. In the past few years I have seen many different Psychologists, Psychiatrists, and she is the only one that I actually feel comfotable with and really understands where I am coming from. So that is a good thing. Anyways, just thought I would give you all an update because it has been awhile... until next time...

"ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME"

The things I have seen... the things I have done... and how these things burden me to this day, how they make me question my character and my self worth. I just need to get it in my head that what I think and what other people think really doesnt matter, because ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME. When my time comes, he will judge me on what I have done and seen in my lifetime. I have so much trouble expressing the feeling I have and when it is all bottled up, that is what leads me to depression. And that is when I question why I am still here. I still feel like people don't understand what I am going through. I know my friends and family care, but it is very frustrating when people tell me that I just need to be strong and work through this. It is so much more and so hard to try to even deal with all this. My emotions and my thoughts overflow my head to the point where I just want to shut down and shut everyone out... which is exactly what I do. I am gonna get this quote tattooed on me... where I can see it everyday... where it can remind me that I dont need to worry about everyone else... or even myself... because " Only God Can Judge Me"

Awake... and failing...

I don't know what it is... I just feel like I am failing... as a person, as a father, and especially as a husband. I know that my wife and daughter deserve so much more than I am giving. I want to give them the world... but I know I can't. I feel like I am not even coming close. What am I doing here... I have so much to live for, yet... I feel like I am not living. The depression... it just overwhelms me! And it really doesn't help when people who really don't understand what is going on try to tell me it is going to be ok, and I need to be strong and fight through it and move on with my life. It's like WTF! I mean if it was really that easy don't you think I would move on.... and live a normal life? I mean FUCK! Its so frustrating, sometimes I just want to scream! Sometimes, I just want to sit alone in a dark room and cry... but I am to the point where I don't like to show my emaotions because then people start worrying about me. My daughter and wife deserve so much more... so much better. Just had to get that off my chest thanks all for listening...